I am not going to lie. This week has probably been the hardest and LONGEST week of my entire life. It has been eight days since I left the hospital and me and my baby boy Tyler went our separate ways. It has been an emotional roller coaster since that moment I said goodbye. There is no other words to describe it. One second I would be perfectly doing okay, focused on something, only in the next to be completely in tears sobbing until I couldn't anymore. Everyone kept telling me, "This is only the first week, give yourself time to grieve." Heh.. They could tell me that all they wanted, but in those moments I really didn't believe a word they said. To me, it just didn't make sense how a mother with any heart could get over something like this.
I know I made the right decision, yet apparently, it's normal to doubt yourself when going through this.
The first night I was home at my sister's not only did I have plenty of sporadic breakdowns in the arms of my sister, and my mom, I couldn't even sleep in the room by myself. My step-sister Leslie had to sleep on the floor on an air mattress next to me, as I had fear of being alone and crying to myself all night.
The next day (Sunday) I went home to my house for the first time. First coming in, the house felt eerie, hollow, like something was missing. The last time I was there, after all, I was pregnant and still had time to bond with Tyler, thinking I wouldn't have to face the music for two more weeks. I am really glad my parents were there those first few days home. It was really good to be able to talk to my mom about the loss I was feeling and have a physical shoulder to cry on.
My sleep pattern has improved. Considering, it has been months since I have had a full night's sleep, I guess it is fair to not expect it your first night home after having a baby (even without a baby to wake you up every few hours).
I still have moments of great sadness (often), but I think it has gotten a lot better now. Now that I am able to do more independently, the girls and I are slowly getting back into normal routine. That helps me a lot. It seems that, all the change is hitting me at once. The move to Ephraim is hitting me now, realizing I really do not have many friends, the divorce (now that I just finished all the paperwork), and the adoption. It seems like all the doors of the past are closing, that Tyler was my last connection to it. t is time for me to get brave, and face whatever the Lord has in store for the future, even if I have absolutely what lies ahead.
I know there is a reason the Lord sent us to Ephraim at this time. #1 reason being Cass. I thought she and I had a special and tight bond before, boy was I wrong! She truly is my best friend and I do not know how I could make it through this experience without her. She has been there for me to cry with, to be a listening ear when I am an emotional wreck, and to give words of encouragement when I am scared, or self-doubting. I have called her at such random times of the day everyday, with such random things to be upset or need to talk about (like needing my garbage taken out at 9PM because my house stinks), and she is always there with an answer. For some reason, it is a lot easier for me to listen to my older sister than anyone else. It seems to mean more. Maybe she just seems easier to believe because I know she is coming from a perspective of this I haven't seen (being an adoptive parent herself). Maybe it is because I have spent a lot of my life just wanting to be like my sister, and for her to actually tell me I am doing good at something and she believes in me (even though she has thought that all along, I am sure), I can believe it.
Braden and Jen came for an extra visit today. Sam and Laci were sick last week when I was in the hospital, so they didn't get to see Tyler. Braden and Jen were wonderful and more than willing to come down this weekend so the girls could see him and hold their baby brother. I was a little nervous about seeing Tyler again, and having to say goodbye (again). Half the world was worried for me too, wanting to make sure I had someone here with me for emotional support. It went extremely well. It was a friendly visit. Just like I had hoped. We got some really cute pictures of the girls with Ty, and pictures of the four of us together as a family. It was really good for me to see him. More importantly to see him with his family, and see that he was taken care of. Now that he has been with them for a week, you can tell how much they already know and understand his needs. (It is amazing how fast you learn how to be a parent when thrown into it) It was good for me to see they were better with him than I was. They knew his cries, and what he wanted. I think it will make it easier for me to let go. Also, I realized today that they really do see it the same way I do. This week has been more about just missing Tyler, but missing Braden and Jen as people. In the short time we have spent together, especially in the hospital, has been an amazing bonding experience, and they have become two of my best friends, or perhaps, it feels more like brother and sister. Today was a manifest to me, that to them also, I am more than just Tyler's birth mom, but their friend, for life. I have no doubt it will stay that way. The Lord is the one who found them, not me. He couldn't have chosen any better. Of course, I do not think the Lord settles for anything less than the best.
It's not easy, it's hard, getting easier. For now, at this moment, I know everything is going to be okay.
P.S. I will post more pictures soon after I get them from everyone else. (I didn't take many with my camera)
