Blessings

I feel as though the last six weeks, since I posted last, my life has been richly edified.  In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I feel it is my duty to share these blessings with my readers, who ever you may be. It is hard to believe it has only been that long.

I would start off by saying that my husband is amazing, but I think I have elaborated on that enough for the time being.

Back in June, I had surgery.  They implanted what is called the baclofen pump in my abdomen.  I call it my puck, because it is about the size of a hockey puck.  My puck has a catheter that goes directly to the spinal cavity, at which it disperses a muscle relaxant directly to my spinal cavity, then to my muscles.  The reason for the puck is to relax my muscles and help eliminate my spasticity due to my cerebral palsy.

Since June, I have been going to rigorous physical therapy.  With the elimination of most of my increased tone, I am now able to move my leg muscles individually instead of firing them all at once.  My goal in PT has been to retrain my brain, and learn how to fire these muscles.  With a lot of work, I have made immaculate progress.  Though, most people may not see how much my body has changed from the outside, I can see the positive effects this has on my life and daily tasks.  My muscles are stronger, my body more flexible, my stamina is higher, and my gait is straighter. I feel rejuvenated, and young again.  Though I still have a long road ahead, I feel like I can conquer anything God may put in my path.

My second major blessing is that of anti-anxiety medication.  I am much less irritable and worrisome. I have found it easier to enjoy my family without being stuck on the little things.  My mood is stable, and life is easier to handle. It may be weird for some people that I share this on a public blog, but it is not something I am ashamed of.  I am proud of who I have become, even if it required help from science. It is the Lord that gave us the knowledge of all these medications.  If it is used properly, and it works, and I am okay about it, great!

I am grateful for my weight loss.  I have lost over 12 lbs since August.  I am feeling a lot better about myself.


And then there is Kolo...


Bryan and I have been playing with the idea of getting me a service dog for a few months now. After doing some research, I found out that the law doesn't require you to go through an agency to get a dog.  I have wanted a service animal for most of my life, but I always dismissed the idea because the service dog agencies, such as Canine Companions, have a 5 year waiting list for a dog match. We have the right to train our own dog ourselves.  When I learned this, we decided to contact the University's Disability Services office.  Because we live in campus housing, I needed special permission and approval in order to have a dog here.

I set up the initial interview and talked to the Director.  I was really nervous at first, but then decided, they really can't deny me.  My disability is obviously there, and the things a service animal can help me with are undeniable also. He said approval would take 1-2 weeks.  I got my approval 3 days later.

It was November 1st when I got the okay.  I called Bryan immediately and let him know.  Then I went to the local online classifieds to start searching for the perfect dog, with the right price range.  Bryan's dad being a vet, he recommend the golden retriever as the most docile temperament. I knew I had to be picky, I couldn't just get the first cute dog I saw.  It had to be one eager and aware, ready to learn, and calm too. I saw an ad online for two black lab muts. Females.  I wanted a female dog. Bryan liked the one on the left with lab style ears, and I liked the one on the right, with golden retriever style ears(such a little thing, I know) I set up an appointment to go meet these two sister dogs that evening.  We went, very sure we were being picky.  The lady introduced us to both of them, and they were adorable. They were six month old black lab muts. I wanted a lab so bad. They were 50% purebred Golden Retriever, and 25%/25% Black Lab and Collie. Well we loved both, but couldn't have both, and didn't know how to pick.  I explained to the lady our plans for the dog, to train her as a service dog, and she recommended the one with shaggy ears, saying that she was the calmer of the two and she would be perfect for that. So we took the first dog we saw, free of charge, kennel, leash, and brush included.

We took her home, and she has been perfect ever since.  I have thouroughly enjoyed having a little companion to be by my side.  She has adapted well, and has yet to have an accident! She is very calm and just lays at my feet all day.  When I first took her on public transportation, she was very afraid of the bus, and now it is just routine.  She has also adapted well to her vest, and walking beside me in my chair, almost always aware  every time I turn or change direction and does well at not getting run over.

She has also done well with training.  She knows the following commands already:

• sit
• stay
• come
• lay down
• off
• kennel
• go potty
• up (climb on my lap)
• down (get off my lap)
• climb 
• bed (move outta my way by getting on a nearby bed)
• chair (move outta my way by laying down on my recliner)
• no bark
• don't lick (this one is still hard, as it is instinctive as a puppy)

When we first got her from the owner, her name was Neytiri.  We kept it a couple days, but then decided to change it, because no body had any idea what it was from, or how to say it.  It is from the main female character in the movie Avatar.

We changed her name to 'Kolo." Kolo comes from a book by Brandon Sanderson(our favorite author) called Elantris. In Elantris, "kolo" is used by the character Galladon as a softening interrogative tag. Similar to our language when we say, "Eh?" or, "Understand?"  Like, "Pizza sounds good, kolo?"  She seems to be a very understanding dog, so I think Kolo is perfect.

Kolo has changed my life for the better.  Even if she is not completely trained as a service dog yet, she has been my companion since that following Tuesday.  She sits or lays at my feet whatever I am doing.  She even has been known to lay on my bed when I am folding laundry, and lay her head on a folded pile ready to fall over. Even right now, she is laying right behind me while I am typing at my computer. She definitely is a very special dog, and I am grateful we found her. 

Life with Kolo...

After her bath

On the bus

 At therapy.  She has discovered that my chair is more comfortable than laying on the floor.

 

I put text on this before I found out she was actually six months old, not seven.

Watching movies with Laci.

Kolo and her number one fan.  My best girl friend ever!

 Saying cheese for her morning belly rub.

Listening to Samantha read to her!  Yay!  Sam now has no problem reading every day for twenty minutes.

I am grateful for this time of year.  I am glad for the opportunity to count my blessings, even knowing, we should do it all year round.  The blessings are everywhere.  It helps to point them out.

Something Else to Learn

I feel so blessed.  This year has been incredible.  I can't even tell you how much I have learned about life and it is already October.  Life sure flies by. I have learned that marriage is hard, but a good one is totally worth the effort. I have discovered how good I have it.  Yes, it has taken me a year and a half to figure that out.  I am not used to having a good marriage, or for lack of better words, a good husband.  I have had to learn, that he is good, and he is not like the others.  Yes, I have learned the hard way.  But, I do not think there is a better way to learn it having been through what I have in the past. My husband is amazing, patient, and kind.  I feel so blessed to have him.  And what we have is so good. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder how I got so lucky.  He is just so easy to love.  I absolutely adore him, and I LOVE being his wife.

I have learned that it is the simple things that make a difference.  For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with just being content with my life.  I have learned over the last couple months, that it is okay to take it with the punches.  Life doesn't have to be perfect all the time.  I don't have to be perfect all the time.  If there is one thing my husband has taught me, it is that, sometimes, if you just let the little things go, and allow life happen, it will surprise you, and the things you worry about will turn out just fine.

I have learned, once again that the Lord will see us through.  These past several months I have been dealing with a lot of different things on my plate.  They range from emotional, and physical to spiritual.  I have been through the grinder it seems between being in regular physical therapy, and coming home to have the energy to take care of two busy kids, and a hard-working husband.  And then still find time for me, and a social life.  I have really struggled with this balancing act for several months, and through a lot of prayers and faith, along with trial and error, I can see that, even though I thought it was impossible, I feel as though, the success is finally coming, and so is that balance I so desperately wanted.

Even though not all my entries will start or turn out to be serious, heartfelt with a lesson to be learned at the end, I can take it as a reminder, that it is okay to find joy in the simple things, even if it is a simple blog entry about something a child does.  After all, children are one of the greatest blessings we can have in this life. (Especially my children)

Though, I do not have it all figured out, consider this to be my continuing journey to find that place, that balance, with no matter what comes my way.  Even if there will be things I have to relearn, there will always be something to learn.  And maybe this entry, as my first, is more for me, so that I have it to look back on as I go, when things get hard, and it's hard to see what the Lord is trying to teach me, that I'll have something good to say when all is said and done.

There is Always Something More

After a fabulous day, I think it is time to sit down, take the time, and share what I have taken from today.

Today in church, I was asked to share an experience in my life dealing with a trial, and then being blessed in return. Well, I decided to share a condensed version of the story of Tyler, and my experiences with adoption. 

My last night with Tyler, in the hospital alone, I spent hours looking into his all knowing eyes. His little spirit was so incredibly strong, I do not think I could properly relate it to anyone, if they were not there to witness it for themselves. I honestly believe that his spirit, being so close to the veil, knew who he was, and the situation in which he came down to earth. And now, looking back, I wonder if he knew what was in store. I wonder if he knew what was in store for me, and perhaps he was trying to tell me in someway, by sharing his soul with me. I will forever cherish those moments I had with him in our final quiet hours of the night.

I could not have remotely imagined that this is what was in store for me! 2 years ago, I was dealing with so much grief and loss, just struggling not to cry myself to sleep at night, worried I would see my baby boy's eyes when I closed mine. But now, 2 years and a few days later, I am sitting at my computer, staring at the screen wondering how to put into words what I feel I need to say.

Currently, my anthem of hope (one of many), "Hope Hiding" is resonating in my ears. I am reminded of those feelings, of letting go, of growth, and feeling peace, and that I was strong enough, and that my Father was looking out for me. I once thought that Tyler was the final chapter to a part of my life that needed closing. Finding peace with the adoption and moving on enjoying life, was the puzzle piece needed for the most spiritual experience of my life, to finish, and come about.

I have moved forward to a different chapter of my life. Soon after the adoption, I met Bryan. Bryan, a person who, at first glance would not be a person to fit into my life. Bryan had his own share of trials. Somehow, those trials prepared him to be with me. If you read my previous blog, you see how blessed I feel to have what I have. To have my children, to have my husband. This husband. The one in which I have no doubt I am meant to be with. I understand now, that though, I have been through two marriages that did not work out, they were meant to happen, only in God's grand design, to bring us together.

So it seems, though two years ago, I did not know what was in store. I was willing and ready to face it. Going back and reading, I think I really wasn't expecting anything less than more trials. I did not know what laid ahead, but I knew I was taken care of. There is no other words to use, than the grand design of the great creator some how he found a way. I have no idea how he has been able to piece our lives together so delicately, as to provide the trials we need to grow in faith, and pull things in we don't expect or have anything to do with to bless us and move us forward where we need to be.

“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” (Joseph B. Worthlin)

It seems to me, that maybe I was wrong. Life isn't in chapters at all. No, I thought finding peace in the adoption was the final chapter. But see, then I could also say, finding Bryan, working hard, and discovering happy marriage is the final chapter too. No, I do not think that is the case either, then what is it? Perhaps life isn't about succeeding at each chapter, but it is about realizing, that there will always be something more. That our work is never done. And more importantly, that the Lord, creator, and grand designer of our souls, will never be done with his work, in shaping us. It is about realizing through the pain that, "around every corner, though you're unaware.... there is hope hiding there."(Michael McLean, "Hope Hiding")

If Only

It seems like I always had so much on my mind, and so much insight to share, and now it seems as though life is just busy and we are just experiencing the same old stuff. Maybe that is my problem. It really can't be a good thing. Usually I am so spiritually minded with a lot of things to share with the world. I mean, heck, anyone who knows me at all knows that I have been sharing my story on the internet since I was a sophomore in High School. That is 12 and a half years ago now. Though, it is funny, as I recall, my website always slowed massively down whenever I was married. I believe that is the hardest things for me, in motherhood and marriage... I often get to a point where I feel as though I am so busy focused on everyone else's daily happenings that I seem to lose my mind in the process.

I really need to get in the habit of writing when my life starts to get bland. Because once I start typing, something special seems to come out.

The poem I am about to share, was written five years ago. Which, if you ask me, seems like a completely different lifetime. So, even though this poem isn't really how I am feeling right now, I think many of us have bad days or bad moments when it seems it could be this way sooner or later. Plus, I am sure many of us, man or woman, can relate to it on some level. It is that powerful calm you get that washes over you in pleading with the Lord, knowing that everything is okay, including you.

Since I just gave a talk this past Sunday on prayer, I have been thinking a lot about it. This poem isn't about the desperation, but about the peace that comes after the trial, and putting your faith in the Lord.

If Only

If only I could see

Who I really am

Dig deep into my heart

And pull out a gem

If only I could be

That person that you'd see

A lady full of happiness

And sincere integrity

I used to be so strong

I used to really believe

But now my faith is fading

And my soul is lingering

So Father will you help me?

Help me to see

Find the beauty deep within

And who I want to be

I want to be thy servant

I want to be thy friend

Help me to know how

To grasp and hold on to thy hand

Father, will you teach me?

To be the woman that's enough

A good mother to thy children

And a wife that's full of love

I want to be an angel

Who's guided from above

My spirit to be lifted

I want to feel thy love

Dearest Heavenly Father

I know that you are near

You've put your arms around me

And listened to my prayer

Someday I will be

The woman that you see

A queen inside thy kingdom

For all eternity.

By the way, I do not keep track of what I have shared online and what I haven't, so if you have read this before, well, guess what...you needed to read it again! :)