11/19/11

Gold to Refine

I can't believe it is Thanksgiving time again!  This makes me happy!  We have so much to be grateful for.  As I have said recently, amidst all the trials, miracles seem to be filling my life.  Bryan and I have been trying to get pregnant for about two years, and a little extra.  It has been very emotional on both of us.  Hard on Bryan, because he would like more than anything to have a child of his own, and especially a boy, to carry on his family name.  Hard on me, though it may sound selfish, being a diligent birth-mom, and having made the decision to place my baby boy for adoption, knowing I could have taken care of him, but knowing it was what the Lord wanted and the miracle he brought to the world around him. Now, wondering why I couldn't have a miracle for myself.

There are a few people who knew of the situation, and I am forever grateful for their ongoing support and prayers.  One of those people is actually Jen, Tyler's mom.  I told her of my heartache, and she seemed to understand my pain.  I feel so blessed to have someone who truly understands, and yet cares so deeply about me and my happiness.

Finally in September we went to the doctor with our concerns. She ordered tests.  The tests came back in mid September, and they came back bearing bad news.  We were told that we would likely not be able to conceive without invitro fertilization.  This of course, is very costly, and not a guarantee. So, though it wasn't completely impossible for pregnancy on our own, the 2% odds were not in our favor.

My doctor was really supportive.  We were touched by her reaction. She said she would love to continue to be my woman's care doctor.  She also said, "I don't know your religious background, but there are two woman in the Bible who were told they wouldn't be able to have kids, and God provided them with children. Don't give up completely."  I am grateful to have a good doctor, who seemed to be inspired to say what she did at the time.

Throughout this whole ordeal, my mom has been a great support.  Because of the recent premature birth and of my older brother, who died shortly after birth, the doctors told her that she should go on birth control for at least three months.  She refused. A previous diagnosis had been given that she did not have but a year that her body could sustain a pregnancy. Her response to the doctor was, "If God wants me pregnant, then I will get pregnant."  I was born 361 days after my brother.  Just four days shy of the one-year deadline. My mom has told me this story several times, being the miracle story of my birth, but it really hit home now.

It was hard for Bryan and I, but we accepted it.  No longer did we have to plan on a bigger vehicle, or a bigger home.  No longer were we calling out names we would see on TV, to cross as possible baby names.  We adjusted.  Over the next couple weeks, the baby names on TV became dog names.  We would get more dogs.

It was now October.  We all the normal October things.  We put up Halloween decorations, bought Halloween costumes, and started gearing up for Bryan's parent's visit the weekend before Halloween.  His parents were scheduled to fly in late Thursday, October 27th, and we planned on seeing them first thing Friday morning.  To my dismay, I was sick all day Wednesday, with some kind of stomach bug.  Thursday, still sick, I declared it the flu. Company was coming, and my house was a mess.  Not only that, I'm likely contagious. What bad timing!

In my frustration, I started texting my mom.  After a bit of correspondence, she sends me a texts that says, "Don wants to know if you are pregnant."  Now, this was slightly awkward.  I mean, with everything we had recently been through, how could my step dad crack a joke about me being pregnant?  I let it go, and just responded with, "Not likely, but if I ever am, you will be second (technically third) to know!"

When I got up to use the restroom, I decided to take a pregnancy test just for kicks.  After all, I had a bunch, expiring in January, and I could then take a picture and send it directly to Don as proof.  That would teach him!  I mean, who (especially male) wants to look at a used pregnancy test?

I took the test, and had to look at it several times.  I even reread the directions, thinking I was misinterpreting it.

 It was positive.

I didn't believe it at first. Sometimes it is still hard to believe.  I went to the doctor as soon as possible, as this wasn't something that was suppose to happen, I wanted to make sure it wasn't all a joke.  When the doctor found out why we were there, she was absolutely elated.  She used the phrase, "tickled pink!" It has since been confirmed by the doctor and by ultrasound, with visual and audio heart beat. I am due June 21st 2012.  Which means the baby was conceived the same week the doctor gave us the bad news test results.

Apparently Heavenly Father has different plans for this little family.  He has been there all along.  He heard our prayers, and was just waiting to bless us.  After all the heartache we had been through, it seems He just wanted us to let go. Once we did, and put our faith in Him, then came the miracle.

"Fear not I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and do still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie
My grace all sufficient shall be thy supply
The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."

("How Firm A Foundation," LDS Hymnbook, #85, verses 3, 5. See also Isaiah 41:10)

11/1/11

Masterpiece

I feel so blessed with where life is right now. It makes me slightly nervous to admit it, knowing one day trials will come.  But I figure, if we don't count our blessings, then they will be that much harder to look back on when we need something to hold on to when the hard times come.

I am grateful for miracles that happen in life. I have learned and relearned, and currently learning, that our Heavenly Father doesn't just give us half the miracle. He gives whole miracles.  For example, my decision of adoption.  That was a difficult choice, but a spiritual right choice.  I knew it would bring both me and Tyler the greatest happiness. Finding his parents was a miracle, but how on earth was I ever going to be truly happy and go on in my life, finding my happily ever after?  I did not know how it would work out, but somehow it continues to. And it seems, things continue to happen in my life, that bring me back to that life altering event, and I see how it is all connected. Though, He may give us one piece of the puzzle at a time, after patience and faith does the full miracle come.  And it seems, no matter how many chapters we come to in life, all of the small miracles, have been woven themselves into a magnificent endless and eternal masterpiece. And He is the Creator.