He Won't Let Me Fail Them

I wasn't going to blog about this. But I think I need to, just to get it out. Minus a few really bright spots in my week, this week has been really dark and hard for me. Usually by the time I am done writing, it turns to something positive, so hopefully that will happen.

Last Sunday was complete chaos at church. Laci was absolutely rambunctious in sacrament meeting. At one point, she needed to go to the bathroom. Usually I send her with Sammie. So that is what I did. Well that didn't work, they got out the door and Sammie came back in, saying Laci wanted me. So I got up, without thinking and started walking toward the door to help the situation. The next thing I know I am face planted on the floor in the middle of the isle. A few people offered to help me up. I got up and walked outside, I was so embarassed. I took Laci to the bathroom, luckily some ladies from the ward came in to check on us. Laci was refusing to even go in the stall and go to the bathroom. Then she put up a fight when we tried to go back in and I didn't have my chair.

She continued to be wiggly through the rest of sacrament, I was glad when it was finally over.

Then, 5 minutes before RS started, Laci was finally convinced to go to primary. She kept throwing a tantrum on the floor in the middle of the primary room. It was absolutely horrible. She hasn't been going to primary very well at all lately, and I have given up on knowing what to do anymore.

Tuesday was my birthday party, look at my previous blog for that. It was one of the highlights of my week.

When I got home Tuesday night, my throat started hurting again. By the end of the night, my voice was gone. I went to bed and woke up the next morning, all congested with a fever. Though the congestion has died down, my voice is still shot. But yay, I got a cold without turning dreadfully ill!

Wednesday was my birthday, and spent it sick. I didn't leave the house. But I have awesome friends, it was still a great day.

Thursday, I continued to be sick, I just relaxed, and just let Laci hang out and do her thing all day, the house was trashed by the end of the day. But I do think that is one reason why I am better now. I RELAXED.

That night, JoAnn came and helped me clean, YAY! And the RS stopped over. They asked me if i wanted help in church. I told them I would think about it. I need the help, I know. And I know, they aren't trying to judge me at all, and they just see a need. They are willing to sit with us and take Laci out if she needs too. But I just feel so inadequate. Laci is so big now, and strong, that I cannot battle her anymore. I feel unfit, and just not up to the challenge. I am trying really hard to remember that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, but this week has been hard for me.

I am not one that usually gets down easy, in fact I am being really out of character by posting this. I went and talked to my institute teacher on Friday, he gave me a blessing and some counsel. He reminded me of the words of Gordon B. Hinckley, that single mothers of young children have the hardest job there is, and that there is no way it is done without angels and constant care of a loving Heavenly Father.

I know that is true, everyone who reads my blog, knows I know that is true.

Tonight, Laci took a dry erase marker to the wall in their room, and I hit a breaking point. If it is not one thing, it's another. I need a break. I just want to get away and clear my head. It has just been a very trying week for me. I don't even want to go to church tomorrow. I know He will carry me through, He always does. I just need to be patient and keep going. Laci starts school Monday. That will give me some relief. But, I still think a break would be good.

He loves me, I will make it. He loves my girls, as much as I do, and I know He would not have entrusted them to me, if I was not capable of fulfilling that calling. Motherhood is the most important thing to me I have. I am so grateful to be a mom, and given a fair opportunity to raise these special spirits. The Lord knows what He is doing, even if I have no clue how to get through some days. But I will. And that is what matters.

A friend of mine from HS sent me a quote in an email on Facebook earlier this week. It has been a good reminder for me.

“Please remember one thing. If our lives and our faith are centered upon Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right.”(President Howard W. Hunter)

Even though, I may feel like somewhat of a failure today, He disagrees, and He won't let me fail them.

See, I told you it would have a happy ending.