I feel so blessed with where life is right now. It makes me slightly nervous to admit it, knowing one day trials will come. But I figure, if we don't count our blessings, then they will be that much harder to look back on when we need something to hold on to when the hard times come.
I am grateful for miracles that happen in life. I have learned and relearned, and currently learning, that our Heavenly Father doesn't just give us half the miracle. He gives whole miracles. For example, my decision of adoption. That was a difficult choice, but a spiritual right choice. I knew it would bring both me and Tyler the greatest happiness. Finding his parents was a miracle, but how on earth was I ever going to be truly happy and go on in my life, finding my happily ever after? I did not know how it would work out, but somehow it continues to. And it seems, things continue to happen in my life, that bring me back to that life altering event, and I see how it is all connected. Though, He may give us one piece of the puzzle at a time, after patience and faith does the full miracle come. And it seems, no matter how many chapters we come to in life, all of the small miracles, have been woven themselves into a magnificent endless and eternal masterpiece. And He is the Creator.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
11/1/11
3/21/10
There is Always Something More
After a fabulous day, I think it is time to sit down, take the time, and share what I have taken from today.
Today in church, I was asked to share an experience in my life dealing with a trial, and then being blessed in return. Well, I decided to share a condensed version of the story of Tyler, and my experiences with adoption.
My last night with Tyler, in the hospital alone, I spent hours looking into his all knowing eyes. His little spirit was so incredibly strong, I do not think I could properly relate it to anyone, if they were not there to witness it for themselves. I honestly believe that his spirit, being so close to the veil, knew who he was, and the situation in which he came down to earth. And now, looking back, I wonder if he knew what was in store. I wonder if he knew what was in store for me, and perhaps he was trying to tell me in someway, by sharing his soul with me. I will forever cherish those moments I had with him in our final quiet hours of the night.
I could not have remotely imagined that this is what was in store for me! 2 years ago, I was dealing with so much grief and loss, just struggling not to cry myself to sleep at night, worried I would see my baby boy's eyes when I closed mine. But now, 2 years and a few days later, I am sitting at my computer, staring at the screen wondering how to put into words what I feel I need to say.
Currently, my anthem of hope (one of many), "Hope Hiding" is resonating in my ears. I am reminded of those feelings, of letting go, of growth, and feeling peace, and that I was strong enough, and that my Father was looking out for me. I once thought that Tyler was the final chapter to a part of my life that needed closing. Finding peace with the adoption and moving on enjoying life, was the puzzle piece needed for the most spiritual experience of my life, to finish, and come about.
I have moved forward to a different chapter of my life. Soon after the adoption, I met Bryan. Bryan, a person who, at first glance would not be a person to fit into my life. Bryan had his own share of trials. Somehow, those trials prepared him to be with me. If you read my previous blog, you see how blessed I feel to have what I have. To have my children, to have my husband. This husband. The one in which I have no doubt I am meant to be with. I understand now, that though, I have been through two marriages that did not work out, they were meant to happen, only in God's grand design, to bring us together.
So it seems, though two years ago, I did not know what was in store. I was willing and ready to face it. Going back and reading, I think I really wasn't expecting anything less than more trials. I did not know what laid ahead, but I knew I was taken care of. There is no other words to use, than the grand design of the great creator some how he found a way. I have no idea how he has been able to piece our lives together so delicately, as to provide the trials we need to grow in faith, and pull things in we don't expect or have anything to do with to bless us and move us forward where we need to be.
“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” (Joseph B. Worthlin)
It seems to me, that maybe I was wrong. Life isn't in chapters at all. No, I thought finding peace in the adoption was the final chapter. But see, then I could also say, finding Bryan, working hard, and discovering happy marriage is the final chapter too. No, I do not think that is the case either, then what is it? Perhaps life isn't about succeeding at each chapter, but it is about realizing, that there will always be something more. That our work is never done. And more importantly, that the Lord, creator, and grand designer of our souls, will never be done with his work, in shaping us. It is about realizing through the pain that, "around every corner, though you're unaware.... there is hope hiding there."(Michael McLean, "Hope Hiding")
1/11/09
He Will Bring You Peace
Sometimes when you think that life
Is at it's very worst
A lot of pain can be forgotten
If you put your Savior first
He can turn the night to day
He can wash away your pain
And in the times that you feel numb
He can make you feel joy again
So remember in the depths of sorrow
When the pain seems much too deep
You can find hope in tomorrow
And He will bring you peace.
Melody Weight, January 11, 2009
To Tyler's parents: It has been a year since we got together and had lunch, and met in person for the first time. I know, I have too good of a memory. I cannot believe the year it has been. Thank you for being my hope in tomorrow. Thank you for being my angels sent from heaven. I know that I have been blessed with many angels in my life over the last year, and I continue to see the miracles on a day to day basis. I feel as though, the blessing of that remarkable little boy, in being able to carry him, and deliver him to you, I was able to see a glimpse of eternity. Maybe I shouldn't have posted this little note to you on my blog, but I wanted the world to know where my thoughts of this poem were rooted from.
They really are the sweetest little family ever!
Being a mom, raising two precious Spirits, I feel as though I am blessed with a glimpse of eternity every single day. Of course, with how difficult children can be, sometimes the only way to get through the trying days, is that eternal perspective!
Is at it's very worst
A lot of pain can be forgotten
If you put your Savior first
He can turn the night to day
He can wash away your pain
And in the times that you feel numb
He can make you feel joy again
So remember in the depths of sorrow
When the pain seems much too deep
You can find hope in tomorrow
And He will bring you peace.
Melody Weight, January 11, 2009
To Tyler's parents: It has been a year since we got together and had lunch, and met in person for the first time. I know, I have too good of a memory. I cannot believe the year it has been. Thank you for being my hope in tomorrow. Thank you for being my angels sent from heaven. I know that I have been blessed with many angels in my life over the last year, and I continue to see the miracles on a day to day basis. I feel as though, the blessing of that remarkable little boy, in being able to carry him, and deliver him to you, I was able to see a glimpse of eternity. Maybe I shouldn't have posted this little note to you on my blog, but I wanted the world to know where my thoughts of this poem were rooted from.
They really are the sweetest little family ever!
Being a mom, raising two precious Spirits, I feel as though I am blessed with a glimpse of eternity every single day. Of course, with how difficult children can be, sometimes the only way to get through the trying days, is that eternal perspective!
12/27/08
2008: A Year of Miracles
I haven't blogged in forever, and I figure I should inform the world we are still alive. I feel so blessed. What an amazing year this has been. It is incredible to me to think that it was just over a year ago, I made the life changing decision of adoption. I have learned so much about myself this year. I have learned I am able to make good decisions, and trust the guidance of the Lord in the things I do. I have learned just how much stronger I am than I ever before realized.
In light of recent events, I cannot help but express that I feel my life has come full circle. So many of the difficult trials from recent years, have turned to blessings and have become closed doors in a web of many microscopic miracles intertwined in the madness of my life.
2008 could not possibly be any better than it has become. I hope the New Year finds you all blessed and watchful of the future. May we use our spiritual eyes and see the blessings in the trials the Lord holds in store for us this year.
In light of recent events, I cannot help but express that I feel my life has come full circle. So many of the difficult trials from recent years, have turned to blessings and have become closed doors in a web of many microscopic miracles intertwined in the madness of my life.
2008 could not possibly be any better than it has become. I hope the New Year finds you all blessed and watchful of the future. May we use our spiritual eyes and see the blessings in the trials the Lord holds in store for us this year.
10/27/08
Look to the Light
The Savior in the garden bore
The sins of every soul
He could not quit, because He knew
Only He could make us whole
The sins of every soul
He could not quit, because He knew
Only He could make us whole
So when it seems like life’s too hard
And you cannot press on
Be like the Savior, think ahead.
Look to the light and move on
And you cannot press on
Be like the Savior, think ahead.
Look to the light and move on
He knows your pain and agony
As you struggle on this earth
But every tear will be returned
Ten times what they are worth
As you struggle on this earth
But every tear will be returned
Ten times what they are worth
Tears of joy you soon will shed
When you reach your eternal home
If you just endure to the end
And look to the light and move on
Melody J. Weight, October 27, 2oo8
“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” (Elder Joseph B. Worthlin, "Come What May, and Love it" General Conference, October 2008)
And, I couldn't resist, cause he is so stinking cute!
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When you reach your eternal home
If you just endure to the end
And look to the light and move on
Melody J. Weight, October 27, 2oo8
“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” (Elder Joseph B. Worthlin, "Come What May, and Love it" General Conference, October 2008)
And, I couldn't resist, cause he is so stinking cute!
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9/16/08
EXPERIENCE - Author Unknown
I learn as the years roll onward
And leave the past behind.
That much I have counted sorrow
But proves our God is kind.
That many a flower I longed for
Had a hidden thorn of pain,
and many a rugged bypath
Led to fields of ripened grain.
The clouds that cover the sunshine
They cannot banish the sun,
And the earth shines out the brighter
When the weary rain is done.
We must stand in the deepest shadow
To see the clearest light;
And often from wrong's own darkness
Comes the weary strength of right.
We must live through the weary winter
If we would value the spring.
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they can bud and bloom,
And the sweetest and warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom.
So the heart from the hardest trial gains
The purest joy of all.
And from the lips that have tasted sadness
The sweetest songs will fall,
For as peace comes after suffering,
And love is reward of pain.
So after earth comes heaven,
And out of our loss is gain.
This has been my favorite poem since I first came across it as a kid for an English project. I found it in a poem book my mom had in her collection, needless to say, she never got it back! I used the book so often, that it was pointless to give it to her, and just ask for it back again. Now watch, she's going to read this, and not even know what I am talking about anyway. I think I was in 7th or 8th grade.
Little did I know then, how much it would come to ring true of my life now.
Being a birthmom, who has placed a child for adoption, I cannot tell you how much it means to me to know that my little boy is turning out just as, if not better, than I had hoped. Tyler is 6 months old now. Time sure goes by fast.
Okay, forgive me, but it IS football season... Life kind of reminds me of a football game. You have the coach, and the playbook, and you are trying to get past the line of scrimmage to score a touch down. But, with the defensive line of the other team against you, and refs calling out penalties, you keep losing yards. You have to start the process over again to get to the goal line. At least, that seems to be my life. Bad calls, 15 yard penalties right when it seems you had it in the bag, and having to start over again. In the end, sooner or later, you score, maybe a few times, but then the game is over anyway.
At least I know with this trial that I faced, and the decision I made, I know I scored a touchdown.
See, even according to this 6 month old, I've done well.
Though, this has been a hard year, and I seem to be struggling right now, it really is just making me stronger, and preparing me for what is to come. I have much to be grateful for. With all the horror and pain of this year, there is no doubt it has been the best year of my life. My faith has been strengthened, and my resolve renewed. I know I am not alone, and that I have somewhere I want to be. I feel like I am a completely different person, with a completely different perspective than the one I had not too long ago.
In Institute yesterday, we were studying the life of Gene R. Cook. The following quote is his life motto, and it really struck a deep cord with me.
"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul." (Ella Wheeler Wilcox)
So the heart from the hardest trial gains
The purest joy of all.
And from the lips that have tasted sadness
The sweetest songs will fall,
For as peace comes after suffering,
And love is reward of pain.
So after earth comes heaven,
And out of our loss is gain.
And leave the past behind.
That much I have counted sorrow
But proves our God is kind.
That many a flower I longed for
Had a hidden thorn of pain,
and many a rugged bypath
Led to fields of ripened grain.
The clouds that cover the sunshine
They cannot banish the sun,
And the earth shines out the brighter
When the weary rain is done.
We must stand in the deepest shadow
To see the clearest light;
And often from wrong's own darkness
Comes the weary strength of right.
We must live through the weary winter
If we would value the spring.
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they can bud and bloom,
And the sweetest and warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom.
So the heart from the hardest trial gains
The purest joy of all.
And from the lips that have tasted sadness
The sweetest songs will fall,
For as peace comes after suffering,
And love is reward of pain.
So after earth comes heaven,
And out of our loss is gain.
This has been my favorite poem since I first came across it as a kid for an English project. I found it in a poem book my mom had in her collection, needless to say, she never got it back! I used the book so often, that it was pointless to give it to her, and just ask for it back again. Now watch, she's going to read this, and not even know what I am talking about anyway. I think I was in 7th or 8th grade.
Little did I know then, how much it would come to ring true of my life now.
Being a birthmom, who has placed a child for adoption, I cannot tell you how much it means to me to know that my little boy is turning out just as, if not better, than I had hoped. Tyler is 6 months old now. Time sure goes by fast.
Okay, forgive me, but it IS football season... Life kind of reminds me of a football game. You have the coach, and the playbook, and you are trying to get past the line of scrimmage to score a touch down. But, with the defensive line of the other team against you, and refs calling out penalties, you keep losing yards. You have to start the process over again to get to the goal line. At least, that seems to be my life. Bad calls, 15 yard penalties right when it seems you had it in the bag, and having to start over again. In the end, sooner or later, you score, maybe a few times, but then the game is over anyway.
At least I know with this trial that I faced, and the decision I made, I know I scored a touchdown.
See, even according to this 6 month old, I've done well.
Though, this has been a hard year, and I seem to be struggling right now, it really is just making me stronger, and preparing me for what is to come. I have much to be grateful for. With all the horror and pain of this year, there is no doubt it has been the best year of my life. My faith has been strengthened, and my resolve renewed. I know I am not alone, and that I have somewhere I want to be. I feel like I am a completely different person, with a completely different perspective than the one I had not too long ago.
In Institute yesterday, we were studying the life of Gene R. Cook. The following quote is his life motto, and it really struck a deep cord with me.
"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul." (Ella Wheeler Wilcox)
So the heart from the hardest trial gains
The purest joy of all.
And from the lips that have tasted sadness
The sweetest songs will fall,
For as peace comes after suffering,
And love is reward of pain.
So after earth comes heaven,
And out of our loss is gain.
6/12/08
Heaven's Warrior
This poem has been a long time coming, stuck somewhere in the vast subconscious of my mind for some time now. Out of no where, it decided to free itself. :)
Heaven’s Warrior
To my sweet baby
Whom I love so dear
If I could only tell you
How I long to hold you near
You are my little angel
Sent down from heaven above
The sparkle in your eyes
Show of our Father’s love
I now give you to your parents
To have you as their own
They will lead and guide you
Back to your heavenly home
Wherever you may go
And whatever you may do
May you always know
How much that I love you
As you go on in life’s journey
No matter how short or far
Baby boy, I ask you please
Remember who you are
You are heaven’s warrior
Sent from heaven down to earth
You have changed the hearts of many
Because of your noble birth
Whom I love so dear
If I could only tell you
How I long to hold you near
You are my little angel
Sent down from heaven above
The sparkle in your eyes
Show of our Father’s love
I now give you to your parents
To have you as their own
They will lead and guide you
Back to your heavenly home
Wherever you may go
And whatever you may do
May you always know
How much that I love you
As you go on in life’s journey
No matter how short or far
Baby boy, I ask you please
Remember who you are
You are heaven’s warrior
Sent from heaven down to earth
You have changed the hearts of many
Because of your noble birth
Remember who you are
6/12/08
6/2/08
Better Than Okay!
I am so glad the nice weather is finally here! The girls and I have been outside A LOT recently. We all have crazy farmer tans, I am not kidding. Besides a couple little spells of sickness, this first week of summer has been great. We have enjoyed spending time with friends and neighbors. There really isn't anything new going on, other than the nice weather.
I have started walking again. It is so nice to be active. I have walked atleast a block 4 times in the past week and a half. I actually just got back from walking just now. The girls are over at Sidney's playing and I decided to make good use of my time. When I came back into the parking lot, a few neighbors were outside and were cheering me on. We have such great neighbors, I feel so blessed to be in this place at this time. They are great.
On Wednesday, Sam and I went out to the movies together while Laci stayed back and played with a neighbor (Thanks Amy!) She had a great time. We saw the new Chronicles of Narnia. I was worried at first that it would be too intense, since I hadn't seen it, and I was worried it would be too much for Sam, but she loved it! She was cheering on the good guys the whole time! When it first started, she said, "I like the first one better mommy!" About 10 minutes later she turned to me and said, "Nevermind I like 1 and 2 the best!" It was a lot of fun!
I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life everyday. I have grown so much from each one of my friends and family. I know the Lord has put people in our lives at certain times, for certain purposes we may not even comprehend completely. I feel so spoiled to have so many wonderful people to talk to and learn from everyday. I have always been a people person. I enjoy getting to know people, but lately, I have just felt so overcome with love for the people who have come into my life.
I know I talk about the adoption a lot, but I feel so blessed to be a part of this experience! I have truly enjoyed watching Tyler grow and experiencing through letters the joy that his parents are experiencing! I remember, before signing the papers, wondering if I would have the courage to do it. I did not think I was strong enough. I remember the thing that kept me grounded was who I was blessing by the sacrifice I was making. I could not bare the thought of taking Tyler away from Braden and Jen. In the end, it was my love for them (and Tyler) that made all the difference!
I cannot believe in a few days, Tyler will be 3 months old! That is just amazing to me! The Lord really did know what He was doing. Even though I thought He was crazy when He answered my prayers with, "I will be there, Melody, and all will be okay," I had no idea it would turn out this good! He has never left my side, and the Lord was right, all is okay. In fact, it is better than okay!
I have started walking again. It is so nice to be active. I have walked atleast a block 4 times in the past week and a half. I actually just got back from walking just now. The girls are over at Sidney's playing and I decided to make good use of my time. When I came back into the parking lot, a few neighbors were outside and were cheering me on. We have such great neighbors, I feel so blessed to be in this place at this time. They are great.
On Wednesday, Sam and I went out to the movies together while Laci stayed back and played with a neighbor (Thanks Amy!) She had a great time. We saw the new Chronicles of Narnia. I was worried at first that it would be too intense, since I hadn't seen it, and I was worried it would be too much for Sam, but she loved it! She was cheering on the good guys the whole time! When it first started, she said, "I like the first one better mommy!" About 10 minutes later she turned to me and said, "Nevermind I like 1 and 2 the best!" It was a lot of fun!
I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life everyday. I have grown so much from each one of my friends and family. I know the Lord has put people in our lives at certain times, for certain purposes we may not even comprehend completely. I feel so spoiled to have so many wonderful people to talk to and learn from everyday. I have always been a people person. I enjoy getting to know people, but lately, I have just felt so overcome with love for the people who have come into my life.
I know I talk about the adoption a lot, but I feel so blessed to be a part of this experience! I have truly enjoyed watching Tyler grow and experiencing through letters the joy that his parents are experiencing! I remember, before signing the papers, wondering if I would have the courage to do it. I did not think I was strong enough. I remember the thing that kept me grounded was who I was blessing by the sacrifice I was making. I could not bare the thought of taking Tyler away from Braden and Jen. In the end, it was my love for them (and Tyler) that made all the difference!
I cannot believe in a few days, Tyler will be 3 months old! That is just amazing to me! The Lord really did know what He was doing. Even though I thought He was crazy when He answered my prayers with, "I will be there, Melody, and all will be okay," I had no idea it would turn out this good! He has never left my side, and the Lord was right, all is okay. In fact, it is better than okay!
5/11/08
Mother's Day
This day has never meant so much to me before. The past few months have been an eye opening experience regarding the sacred splendor of motherhood. I enjoy my girls. They are so sweet. I cannot help but think of Tyler. I can't help but picture him at church with his family today, and the pride that fill Jen's heart to know she IS a mother now. I gave that to her. Though I miss him, it is a bittersweet day.
I can't help but think of the precious moments I had with him on that last night in the hospital. It was 3 am, and all there was, was him and I. The rest of the world was locked outside. For a moment, time stopped. He was mine, and only mine. But his father in heaven had a plan for him. Father in heaven had a plan for me. Though I do not know what lies ahead, I do know that in those moments, I got a glimpse of eternity. I will forever be grateful for those moments.
I will forever be grateful for Tyler, and for his parents who are now raising him with such powerful love and devotion.
I will forever be grateful for my beautiful daughters. And for the gift of a mother's love which I possess. I am glad to share that gift with Jen, and she is now enjoying it on this beautiful day.
I will forever be grateful for Tyler, and for his parents who are now raising him with such powerful love and devotion.
I will forever be grateful for my beautiful daughters. And for the gift of a mother's love which I possess. I am glad to share that gift with Jen, and she is now enjoying it on this beautiful day.
3/27/08
The Meaning of Pure Joy
Just a quick thing I want to share...
A few minutes ago, I did something that perhaps I should not have done. (I am getting ready to go out, so crying isn't a good idea) I opened up pictures from the hospital from right after Tyler was born. This is my first time seeing these specific moments, as I was still in the OR. I watched a video of when the nurse first brought the baby in to show the family. I was handling it just fine, until the moment she placed him in Jen's arms for the first time. I started bawling. heh. The look on Jen's face just melts my heart. I can't even imagine the feeling that was lifted from her shoulders in that moment to hold her beautiful son that she has longed for and wanted for so long.
Until now, I have only seen glimpses of this side of the adoption process through Cass and Mark and their desire to have children. I am extremely grateful to Heavenly Father to have the opportunity and blessing of being a part of this tender mercy for Braden and Jen in bringing this child into the world.
A few minutes ago, I did something that perhaps I should not have done. (I am getting ready to go out, so crying isn't a good idea) I opened up pictures from the hospital from right after Tyler was born. This is my first time seeing these specific moments, as I was still in the OR. I watched a video of when the nurse first brought the baby in to show the family. I was handling it just fine, until the moment she placed him in Jen's arms for the first time. I started bawling. heh. The look on Jen's face just melts my heart. I can't even imagine the feeling that was lifted from her shoulders in that moment to hold her beautiful son that she has longed for and wanted for so long.
Until now, I have only seen glimpses of this side of the adoption process through Cass and Mark and their desire to have children. I am extremely grateful to Heavenly Father to have the opportunity and blessing of being a part of this tender mercy for Braden and Jen in bringing this child into the world.
3/16/08
My Faith Reaffirmed (Really long honest entry)
I am not going to lie. This week has probably been the hardest and LONGEST week of my entire life. It has been eight days since I left the hospital and me and my baby boy Tyler went our separate ways. It has been an emotional roller coaster since that moment I said goodbye. There is no other words to describe it. One second I would be perfectly doing okay, focused on something, only in the next to be completely in tears sobbing until I couldn't anymore. Everyone kept telling me, "This is only the first week, give yourself time to grieve." Heh.. They could tell me that all they wanted, but in those moments I really didn't believe a word they said. To me, it just didn't make sense how a mother with any heart could get over something like this.
I know I made the right decision, yet apparently, it's normal to doubt yourself when going through this.
The first night I was home at my sister's not only did I have plenty of sporadic breakdowns in the arms of my sister, and my mom, I couldn't even sleep in the room by myself. My step-sister Leslie had to sleep on the floor on an air mattress next to me, as I had fear of being alone and crying to myself all night.
The next day (Sunday) I went home to my house for the first time. First coming in, the house felt eerie, hollow, like something was missing. The last time I was there, after all, I was pregnant and still had time to bond with Tyler, thinking I wouldn't have to face the music for two more weeks. I am really glad my parents were there those first few days home. It was really good to be able to talk to my mom about the loss I was feeling and have a physical shoulder to cry on.
My sleep pattern has improved. Considering, it has been months since I have had a full night's sleep, I guess it is fair to not expect it your first night home after having a baby (even without a baby to wake you up every few hours).
I still have moments of great sadness (often), but I think it has gotten a lot better now. Now that I am able to do more independently, the girls and I are slowly getting back into normal routine. That helps me a lot. It seems that, all the change is hitting me at once. The move to Ephraim is hitting me now, realizing I really do not have many friends, the divorce (now that I just finished all the paperwork), and the adoption. It seems like all the doors of the past are closing, that Tyler was my last connection to it. t is time for me to get brave, and face whatever the Lord has in store for the future, even if I have absolutely what lies ahead.
I know there is a reason the Lord sent us to Ephraim at this time. #1 reason being Cass. I thought she and I had a special and tight bond before, boy was I wrong! She truly is my best friend and I do not know how I could make it through this experience without her. She has been there for me to cry with, to be a listening ear when I am an emotional wreck, and to give words of encouragement when I am scared, or self-doubting. I have called her at such random times of the day everyday, with such random things to be upset or need to talk about (like needing my garbage taken out at 9PM because my house stinks), and she is always there with an answer. For some reason, it is a lot easier for me to listen to my older sister than anyone else. It seems to mean more. Maybe she just seems easier to believe because I know she is coming from a perspective of this I haven't seen (being an adoptive parent herself). Maybe it is because I have spent a lot of my life just wanting to be like my sister, and for her to actually tell me I am doing good at something and she believes in me (even though she has thought that all along, I am sure), I can believe it.
Braden and Jen came for an extra visit today. Sam and Laci were sick last week when I was in the hospital, so they didn't get to see Tyler. Braden and Jen were wonderful and more than willing to come down this weekend so the girls could see him and hold their baby brother. I was a little nervous about seeing Tyler again, and having to say goodbye (again). Half the world was worried for me too, wanting to make sure I had someone here with me for emotional support. It went extremely well. It was a friendly visit. Just like I had hoped. We got some really cute pictures of the girls with Ty, and pictures of the four of us together as a family. It was really good for me to see him. More importantly to see him with his family, and see that he was taken care of. Now that he has been with them for a week, you can tell how much they already know and understand his needs. (It is amazing how fast you learn how to be a parent when thrown into it) It was good for me to see they were better with him than I was. They knew his cries, and what he wanted. I think it will make it easier for me to let go. Also, I realized today that they really do see it the same way I do. This week has been more about just missing Tyler, but missing Braden and Jen as people. In the short time we have spent together, especially in the hospital, has been an amazing bonding experience, and they have become two of my best friends, or perhaps, it feels more like brother and sister. Today was a manifest to me, that to them also, I am more than just Tyler's birth mom, but their friend, for life. I have no doubt it will stay that way. The Lord is the one who found them, not me. He couldn't have chosen any better. Of course, I do not think the Lord settles for anything less than the best.
It's not easy, it's hard, getting easier. For now, at this moment, I know everything is going to be okay.
P.S. I will post more pictures soon after I get them from everyone else. (I didn't take many with my camera)
I know I made the right decision, yet apparently, it's normal to doubt yourself when going through this.
The first night I was home at my sister's not only did I have plenty of sporadic breakdowns in the arms of my sister, and my mom, I couldn't even sleep in the room by myself. My step-sister Leslie had to sleep on the floor on an air mattress next to me, as I had fear of being alone and crying to myself all night.
The next day (Sunday) I went home to my house for the first time. First coming in, the house felt eerie, hollow, like something was missing. The last time I was there, after all, I was pregnant and still had time to bond with Tyler, thinking I wouldn't have to face the music for two more weeks. I am really glad my parents were there those first few days home. It was really good to be able to talk to my mom about the loss I was feeling and have a physical shoulder to cry on.
My sleep pattern has improved. Considering, it has been months since I have had a full night's sleep, I guess it is fair to not expect it your first night home after having a baby (even without a baby to wake you up every few hours).
I still have moments of great sadness (often), but I think it has gotten a lot better now. Now that I am able to do more independently, the girls and I are slowly getting back into normal routine. That helps me a lot. It seems that, all the change is hitting me at once. The move to Ephraim is hitting me now, realizing I really do not have many friends, the divorce (now that I just finished all the paperwork), and the adoption. It seems like all the doors of the past are closing, that Tyler was my last connection to it. t is time for me to get brave, and face whatever the Lord has in store for the future, even if I have absolutely what lies ahead.
I know there is a reason the Lord sent us to Ephraim at this time. #1 reason being Cass. I thought she and I had a special and tight bond before, boy was I wrong! She truly is my best friend and I do not know how I could make it through this experience without her. She has been there for me to cry with, to be a listening ear when I am an emotional wreck, and to give words of encouragement when I am scared, or self-doubting. I have called her at such random times of the day everyday, with such random things to be upset or need to talk about (like needing my garbage taken out at 9PM because my house stinks), and she is always there with an answer. For some reason, it is a lot easier for me to listen to my older sister than anyone else. It seems to mean more. Maybe she just seems easier to believe because I know she is coming from a perspective of this I haven't seen (being an adoptive parent herself). Maybe it is because I have spent a lot of my life just wanting to be like my sister, and for her to actually tell me I am doing good at something and she believes in me (even though she has thought that all along, I am sure), I can believe it.
Braden and Jen came for an extra visit today. Sam and Laci were sick last week when I was in the hospital, so they didn't get to see Tyler. Braden and Jen were wonderful and more than willing to come down this weekend so the girls could see him and hold their baby brother. I was a little nervous about seeing Tyler again, and having to say goodbye (again). Half the world was worried for me too, wanting to make sure I had someone here with me for emotional support. It went extremely well. It was a friendly visit. Just like I had hoped. We got some really cute pictures of the girls with Ty, and pictures of the four of us together as a family. It was really good for me to see him. More importantly to see him with his family, and see that he was taken care of. Now that he has been with them for a week, you can tell how much they already know and understand his needs. (It is amazing how fast you learn how to be a parent when thrown into it) It was good for me to see they were better with him than I was. They knew his cries, and what he wanted. I think it will make it easier for me to let go. Also, I realized today that they really do see it the same way I do. This week has been more about just missing Tyler, but missing Braden and Jen as people. In the short time we have spent together, especially in the hospital, has been an amazing bonding experience, and they have become two of my best friends, or perhaps, it feels more like brother and sister. Today was a manifest to me, that to them also, I am more than just Tyler's birth mom, but their friend, for life. I have no doubt it will stay that way. The Lord is the one who found them, not me. He couldn't have chosen any better. Of course, I do not think the Lord settles for anything less than the best.
It's not easy, it's hard, getting easier. For now, at this moment, I know everything is going to be okay.
P.S. I will post more pictures soon after I get them from everyone else. (I didn't take many with my camera)
1/13/08
Prayerful Decision
I don’t really know where to begin with this blog. There is so much that needs to be said, and a lot of feelings that need to be accurately expressed. I have decided to place my baby boy for adoption. I have been wrestling with this decision since the very beginning of this pregnancy, not really knowing what I should do. For a long time I had felt as though I had not been receiving any answers or guidance from Heavenly Father. I just knew that the option was there but wasn't sure what I was supposed to do or whether I could handle it emotionally.
Since I have begun to seriously consider placing my baby for adoption, things have just been falling into place. There have been many tiny miracles that have happened both physically and emotionally for me and my family, and now I know that the Lord has guided me throughout this process.
I was given Braden and Jen's profile and had looked at it in detail several times. One night, just before Christmas, I said yet another prayer for confirmation that adoption was the right choice. A short time later, when I looked at their profile pictures again, the spirit came over me and that's when I knew they were the family for my baby boy.
I have already spoken on the phone with them and met them in person. I feel like in just this short time that I know them and that we have the potential of being great friends. My family and I feel as if we knew them before coming to earth and this is all part of God's eternal plan. I know Braden and Jen will give this baby boy the loving home he needs and I am truly excited for them!
I love you all and I hope you will support me in this decision and that you can put everyone involved in your prayers.
Since I have begun to seriously consider placing my baby for adoption, things have just been falling into place. There have been many tiny miracles that have happened both physically and emotionally for me and my family, and now I know that the Lord has guided me throughout this process.
I was given Braden and Jen's profile and had looked at it in detail several times. One night, just before Christmas, I said yet another prayer for confirmation that adoption was the right choice. A short time later, when I looked at their profile pictures again, the spirit came over me and that's when I knew they were the family for my baby boy.
I have already spoken on the phone with them and met them in person. I feel like in just this short time that I know them and that we have the potential of being great friends. My family and I feel as if we knew them before coming to earth and this is all part of God's eternal plan. I know Braden and Jen will give this baby boy the loving home he needs and I am truly excited for them!
I love you all and I hope you will support me in this decision and that you can put everyone involved in your prayers.
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