#24: Laci

Laci is my good thing today.  She is so amazing.  All my children are, in their own ways. Laci is the prime definition of middle child.  Her older sister gets a lot of attention for how much responsibility she takes on, and the younger ones get a lot of attention because they are toddlers.

We as parents, love them all, and do our best, but I think she often feels stuck in the middle.

Tonight, she stayed up the latest.  And I really enjoyed our one-on-one talk.

Laci is growing up and so intelligent.  She has a great logic, and I love the way she thinks and the ideas she comes up with.  Today she said it would be great if there was something to make it so we didn't have to clean at all.  She is always coming up with crazy ideas, and the way she gets to the final product just brings a big smile to my face.

She is also an excellent entertainer!  Her giggle is contagious, and though she may be shy with those she doesn't know, she is the biggest clown I know.  With both her little brother and sister, she is the first to make them laugh.  It is her daily goal in life, to make them laugh.  And she will do absolutely anything to accomplish it.

She loves fun, and hates work.  In our family, we work together to pull the load around the house.  She struggles with it, but never gives up.  She has the biggest heart, her emotions are deep and strong in all directions.

I can't wait to watch her grow and see who she becomes as she develops and uses all these traits for good!

Three Things I am grateful for:
1. Play & Pretend at the library. It was our first time- so much fun!
2. Beautiful weather!  We spent time outside, and Kayla finally has figured out how to peddle her bike.  Too bad it doesn't keep her attention for more than thirty seconds! :)
3. I am grateful to live here.  Where I am, right now.  Yes, sometimes it is hard, it isn't super close to the bus, and that bus only runs a 5 days a week/6am-6pm. But after today, and the friendships strengthened with neighbors, and friendships created, I am feeling really blessed!

One Good Thing #23

Today Sam was able to go to another friends house.  I am so happy to watch her grow up and become her own person.  I am really proud of who she is becoming, and she doesn't hear it nearly enough.  She is my good thing today.  When she was born, I was told in a blessing that Heavenly Father sent her to me, to show me how much He loved me..  Well, that couldn't be more true.  She brings such a sweet spirit to our family. And it wouldn't be complete without her.

Three Things I am Grateful For:
1. My sister-in-law, Emily (I love movie nights out!)
2. Girls willing to calmly take over making mac n cheese when mom slices her thumb open cutting a hot dog.
3. Super glue.  It saved me a lot of blood and band aids today

One Good Thing #22

Wow, I can't believe it's already been over 3 weeks since I start of this project. It has been interesting to watch it transform. I have gone from looking for things to be grateful for and a good thing that happens each day, to hoping and praying that I don't forget whatever it was that happened by the end of the day!

Today was it pretty average day when it comes to motherhood. potty training is always an adventure. And I think that's all I have to say about that!

The thing that made my day today was something that Jayce did.  I had just finished changing his diaper a few minutes before, so I was still on the floor.  He got up, walked over to the wrapped up diaper and picked it up. I was going to stop him, but I decided to see what he was going to do instead.  He examined it a moment, then proceeded to toddle over to the diaper pail by the door, open it, and put the diaper inside. He closed it, and continued on with his exploring!  How awesome is that?  Barely one, and already throwing away his diapers.

Three things I am grateful for:

1. My amazing kids.  Heavenly Father has blessed me so much.

2. Oreo Pizza

3. Summer Thunderstorms.

One Good Thing #17

Today we decided to get the girls new bikes.  We were going to wait until Christmas, but they have both outgrown theirs, Sam is headed to middle school, and they were both rusty from being outside in Houston.  I am really glad we did.  We even got Kayla a bike. She wants so badly to be like the big kids, and she hasn't even figured out how to peddle yet.  But she is so darn cute!  We spent the majority of the day outside, on the basketball court. Even Jayce brought his walker out and was toddling all over feeling so big!

Three Things I am grateful For:
1. Growing kids, even though it hurts.  Sam is now in a full adult bike.
2. Boys like simple things, like balls and wheels and happiness happens.
3. Ice Cream

One Good Thing #15

Today is Jayce's official birthday.  I can't believe it.  Where has the year gone?  I love this little boy so much, and I can't picture life without him.  One of the highlights of my day, was this afternoon.  Everyone was outside squirting each other with spray bottles, Jayce was on the grass in the play pen, with a basin of water and some water balls.  He was so excited and soaked.  It brought great joy to my heart seeing all four of my kids play, even with the large gaps in age.  It makes me wonder what life will be like when they are older.

Three Things I am Grateful For:
1. Slobbery Baby Kisses. (You know, where they open their mouth and pretty much slime your face)
2. Kayla totally rinsed the dishes today.  She got out the step stool, climbed up to the sink, and rinsed the unrinsed dishes, then moved them to the other side of the sink, with the rest of the already rinsed dishes.  Cutest little helper ever.  I gave her 5 pennies and lots of hugs.
3. You know the water fight?  It was during that play time Sam managed. I didn't have to do a thing.  So grateful for her!

One Good Thing #13

Bryan couldn't fall asleep when he needed to last night, so the kids and I went to church on our own today.  I am so grateful to everyone that helped me with the kids, and especially Jayce so that I could enjoy the lessons.  I was really touched during Relief Society (LDS Women's Organization) and the lesson that was given.  I was reminded again, how much I rely on my faith to get through every day life.  Without it, I would not have the confidence and joy I have.  With all the daily adversity I face, it is a blessing to know it is a blessing, and a strength, that it is not forever, and that my Heavenly Father is aware, and sends me constant comfort and angels.  Without the help and support of people in my ward (LDS congregation) I would not have gotten as much out of it.

Three things I am grateful for:
1.  It truly takes a village, and I am surrounded by loving people who understand that.
2. Even though Bryan needed sleep, he was able to get up in time to put the lasagna in for dinner.  One less stress for me.
3. Sunday evening golf. Both watching on TV, and live in our living room thanks to two active ball whacking toddlers.

Good Thing #12

One good thing for today: Our Sweet Sam was willing to babysit tonight, and get the kids in bed while Bryan and I grabbed a quick dinner at Subway and then over to our dear friend's to play games for the night.  We played Quiddler, which is a game Bryan introduced to me the first weekend we met!  It's basically scrabble in card form.  We had a lot of fun, as usual.  And ate way too much junk food... as usual.  Thanks, Samantha for a great night out.  I owe her $3.

Three things I am grateful for:
1. Good friends
2. Golden Double Stuffed Oreos
3. That my calories start over in the morning... :)

One Good Thing Day #8

This morning, Laci let me sleep in, while she watched Kayla and Jayce for an hour.  She woke up when Jayce started blabbing, and quietly went and got him and played with him in the living room.  Kayla soon followed.  She even took her potty! My kids are so special and I am so blessed.  She then asked for a dollar for babysitting for an hour.  I owe her a dollar!

3 Things I am Grateful For:
1. Modern Technology.  I am so grateful to be born and live in this generation.  I am grateful for medical advances and that I have the opportunity to thrive and live life to the fullest.
2. I am grateful for kind neighbors.  I took a neighbor brownies today, and ended up talking for an hour.  It was so nice to finally get to know them, and I am so glad I reached out.
3. I am grateful when children go to bed without a fight, even if it mean sacrificing their afternoon nap.

One Good Thing #7: My Glass Balls

Tonight we had Family Home Evening. It was slightly chaotic with a busy two year old and one year old, but it was so nice to gather the family together after a lot of busy times, and just enjoy eachother. I am grateful that Sam took it upon herself to make sure it happened. She made brownies and made up a game, teaching us what we can do to be more like Jesus. Even Kayla said the prayer, Laci led us in "I Am a Child of God, and Jayce participated by trying to eat the dice.

More and more recently, I am being reminded and guided to putting my family first. I have a new business, in Direct Sales with Younique, and I love it. I love that it's whole foundation is to provide a way for mothers who would otherwise have to work, to stay home and fulfill their most important role: Motherhood. Granted, I have never had a job, but, I love that I can now work. Without having to leave my home(not that I can, anyway)

My friend, Ashley, recently went to a leadership retreat with Younique, and this is what she had to say: "So today, I'm thankful that I learned the difference between my "Glass" Balls in my life and the "Rubber" Balls in my life. As Melanie, the Younique Founder talked about how our Glass balls are the things in our lives that should be and are most precious to us. And the rubber ball can be important, but if you drop them they will keep bouncing and you can pick them up later when you taken care of the glass balls. As she talked about this concept it really hit home to me and made me really emotional. I decided my glass balls need to be my children, my husband and my faith in God. I need to set a schedule for myself and that it's ok to drop all the other rubber balls in my life when the glass ones need a little more attention. I need to hold them close and care from them. I need to protect them and not let them break. When my children need me I need to drop the rubber balls and be there for them. I learned that it's ok for priorities to change. To set times to work. Starting yesterday, my phone doesn't need to be in my hand 24/7. My team can wait when my Glass balls need extra attention. I'm so grateful to be a part of something where they teach us it's ok to be a mom first. So today, I'm grateful for my lessons I learned about the glass balls in my life."

Good Thing Day #5: Nothing! (read on)

Today, the good thing that happened is the fact that nothing happened.  It was just a great day with lots of family time. I got some cleaning and organizing done, Bryan took/picked up some stuff to the storage that had been cluttering our house, the oldest two girls went to the library for Lego Day (Well, Sam took Laci), and we watched Legend of the Guardians as a family.  So today, my good thing is plain old down time, without somewhere to be, or errands that could wait til next weekend. :)

3 Things I am grateful for:
1. I love that S & L are getting older. They are turning out to be strong and independent young women, with big hearts and a desire to do good.
2. I love having J & K around to make me feel young again, and remind me to have joy in simple things.
3. Microwaves.

Good Thing Day #4: Birds

Good Thing for today:  This morning Bryan sacrificed sleep so we could go as a Family to the Tracy Aviary downtown.  I almost didn't go, and I almost stayed home and cleaned. The weather was beautiful and I couldn't resist.  It was so relaxing and a ton of fun.  The three girls got to feed the Sun Conures.  And they all had birds hanging out on their heads!  Fun times.

3 Things I am grateful for:
1. This beautiful world we live in. It was a beautiful day!
2. Younique.  The opportunity I have to work from home with some great products and great people.
3. Spill-proof sippy cups :)

The Past, the Future, and Today

The more and more I think about it I am absolutely amazed at how fast time seems to be going. I am amazed how grown up the girls have become. It half breaks my heart everyday. The three of us went through so much together, and it blows my mind where we have ended up. We have many blessings now that I couldn't have even begun to imagine back as a single mom in California. Most important, the girls have the influence of a father in their lives. Not only Bryan, but Russell. They have been able to build a relationship with their dad, in spite of the three years of lost time.

Yes, I know I can't turn back time. Samantha is already almost nine, and I remember fun times when she was four dancing on the couch. And then, Laci and her little squeaky gibberish. Back when the center of her world was her big sister and her little stuffed dog. I am realizing everyday that I don't have toddlers anymore. They are both in school all day now, and though bringing me joy everyday, it is hard not to wish to take them back to that time of greater simplicity.

We have grown, and experienced much together. Through the years, I am grateful I am to have had them on this adventure of growth and challenge. They are my little companions in life. The journey to this point would not have been so enjoyable. In some ways, I think, I would not have made it without them. It was them, and their dependence on me, that kept me going on those hard days. Not to mention, the undying help of a loving Heavenly Father. Though, yes, there are some experiences I wish I could have protected them from having to go through, I am grateful we all have overcome with grace and a smile.

Looking forward, I wonder what is in store. I am excited to watch their personalities grow. I wonder what they will be like as teenagers. Will they be best friends? It seems I get glimpses everyday. As a parent I can only make guesses. Samantha is full of compassion and awareness of those around her. She has a strong desire to make people comfortable, loved and happy. While Laci is the artist full of humor, with a love of animals, and animals love her back. It will be exciting to see how they decide to use their gifts and talents as they grow up.

In the mean time, I will just continue to try and take it one day at a time. I need to look for what I am grateful for everyday, as to not focus too much on the past or the future, but the present.

"Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.

Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, 'The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.' " -Thomas S. Monson October 2008 General Conference

January 2007

Blessings

I feel as though the last six weeks, since I posted last, my life has been richly edified.  In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I feel it is my duty to share these blessings with my readers, who ever you may be. It is hard to believe it has only been that long.

I would start off by saying that my husband is amazing, but I think I have elaborated on that enough for the time being.

Back in June, I had surgery.  They implanted what is called the baclofen pump in my abdomen.  I call it my puck, because it is about the size of a hockey puck.  My puck has a catheter that goes directly to the spinal cavity, at which it disperses a muscle relaxant directly to my spinal cavity, then to my muscles.  The reason for the puck is to relax my muscles and help eliminate my spasticity due to my cerebral palsy.

Since June, I have been going to rigorous physical therapy.  With the elimination of most of my increased tone, I am now able to move my leg muscles individually instead of firing them all at once.  My goal in PT has been to retrain my brain, and learn how to fire these muscles.  With a lot of work, I have made immaculate progress.  Though, most people may not see how much my body has changed from the outside, I can see the positive effects this has on my life and daily tasks.  My muscles are stronger, my body more flexible, my stamina is higher, and my gait is straighter. I feel rejuvenated, and young again.  Though I still have a long road ahead, I feel like I can conquer anything God may put in my path.

My second major blessing is that of anti-anxiety medication.  I am much less irritable and worrisome. I have found it easier to enjoy my family without being stuck on the little things.  My mood is stable, and life is easier to handle. It may be weird for some people that I share this on a public blog, but it is not something I am ashamed of.  I am proud of who I have become, even if it required help from science. It is the Lord that gave us the knowledge of all these medications.  If it is used properly, and it works, and I am okay about it, great!

I am grateful for my weight loss.  I have lost over 12 lbs since August.  I am feeling a lot better about myself.


And then there is Kolo...


Bryan and I have been playing with the idea of getting me a service dog for a few months now. After doing some research, I found out that the law doesn't require you to go through an agency to get a dog.  I have wanted a service animal for most of my life, but I always dismissed the idea because the service dog agencies, such as Canine Companions, have a 5 year waiting list for a dog match. We have the right to train our own dog ourselves.  When I learned this, we decided to contact the University's Disability Services office.  Because we live in campus housing, I needed special permission and approval in order to have a dog here.

I set up the initial interview and talked to the Director.  I was really nervous at first, but then decided, they really can't deny me.  My disability is obviously there, and the things a service animal can help me with are undeniable also. He said approval would take 1-2 weeks.  I got my approval 3 days later.

It was November 1st when I got the okay.  I called Bryan immediately and let him know.  Then I went to the local online classifieds to start searching for the perfect dog, with the right price range.  Bryan's dad being a vet, he recommend the golden retriever as the most docile temperament. I knew I had to be picky, I couldn't just get the first cute dog I saw.  It had to be one eager and aware, ready to learn, and calm too. I saw an ad online for two black lab muts. Females.  I wanted a female dog. Bryan liked the one on the left with lab style ears, and I liked the one on the right, with golden retriever style ears(such a little thing, I know) I set up an appointment to go meet these two sister dogs that evening.  We went, very sure we were being picky.  The lady introduced us to both of them, and they were adorable. They were six month old black lab muts. I wanted a lab so bad. They were 50% purebred Golden Retriever, and 25%/25% Black Lab and Collie. Well we loved both, but couldn't have both, and didn't know how to pick.  I explained to the lady our plans for the dog, to train her as a service dog, and she recommended the one with shaggy ears, saying that she was the calmer of the two and she would be perfect for that. So we took the first dog we saw, free of charge, kennel, leash, and brush included.

We took her home, and she has been perfect ever since.  I have thouroughly enjoyed having a little companion to be by my side.  She has adapted well, and has yet to have an accident! She is very calm and just lays at my feet all day.  When I first took her on public transportation, she was very afraid of the bus, and now it is just routine.  She has also adapted well to her vest, and walking beside me in my chair, almost always aware  every time I turn or change direction and does well at not getting run over.

She has also done well with training.  She knows the following commands already:

• sit
• stay
• come
• lay down
• off
• kennel
• go potty
• up (climb on my lap)
• down (get off my lap)
• climb 
• bed (move outta my way by getting on a nearby bed)
• chair (move outta my way by laying down on my recliner)
• no bark
• don't lick (this one is still hard, as it is instinctive as a puppy)

When we first got her from the owner, her name was Neytiri.  We kept it a couple days, but then decided to change it, because no body had any idea what it was from, or how to say it.  It is from the main female character in the movie Avatar.

We changed her name to 'Kolo." Kolo comes from a book by Brandon Sanderson(our favorite author) called Elantris. In Elantris, "kolo" is used by the character Galladon as a softening interrogative tag. Similar to our language when we say, "Eh?" or, "Understand?"  Like, "Pizza sounds good, kolo?"  She seems to be a very understanding dog, so I think Kolo is perfect.

Kolo has changed my life for the better.  Even if she is not completely trained as a service dog yet, she has been my companion since that following Tuesday.  She sits or lays at my feet whatever I am doing.  She even has been known to lay on my bed when I am folding laundry, and lay her head on a folded pile ready to fall over. Even right now, she is laying right behind me while I am typing at my computer. She definitely is a very special dog, and I am grateful we found her. 

Life with Kolo...

After her bath

On the bus

 At therapy.  She has discovered that my chair is more comfortable than laying on the floor.

 

I put text on this before I found out she was actually six months old, not seven.

Watching movies with Laci.

Kolo and her number one fan.  My best girl friend ever!

 Saying cheese for her morning belly rub.

Listening to Samantha read to her!  Yay!  Sam now has no problem reading every day for twenty minutes.

I am grateful for this time of year.  I am glad for the opportunity to count my blessings, even knowing, we should do it all year round.  The blessings are everywhere.  It helps to point them out.

Daddy's Little Girl

I hardly blog about my dad. Very few people even know how I really feel about him. We have a complicated relationship. It is not your typical father-daughter relationship. We don't talk much, and I doubt he even knows how much I love him, and how much I appreciate and feel loved with all the little things he has done throughout my life.

Niether one of us are big talkers. I am not very good at expressing my emotions into words, or starting small talk. Yeah, I can write a poem or blog about an experience, and make the reader understand so deeply, you cry in relation, but for some reason I can't just come out and talk to my dad very well. It has always been that way. He is exactly the same. He doesn't express how he feels either, he expresses it in the things he does, usually.

For example, I remember one year when I had surgery and was in the hospital. Now, mind you, any of you who know my mother KNOW how incredibly amazing she is, and she was ALWAYS there for me. Always the first one I saw coming out of recovery, always the one there with me through doctor's appointments, etc...

Anyway, I remember one instance I was in the hospital, and for some reason or another it was my dad who stayed with me that night. I was at Phoenix Children's Hospital, which of course is right down town, and the helipad was very close to where my window was. My dad was sleeping next to my bed in one of those fold out chairs.

Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, in the dark, scared to death of the helicopter that was landing. You know, lights flashing, propellers roaring... I look over, and of course my Dad is snoring loudly. Then I said, "Daddy I'm scared." My dad didn't do much, he simply reached his hand through the bed rail and took my hand and held it. I remember feeling safe, and I shortly fell back to sleep after that.

I don't know if this next experience was the same surgery or not, but it also took place while I was in the hospital. All I remember, is that it was supposed to be my first time walking after my recent surgery, and the physical therapist was there, (probably mom too) along with my dad.

Well, I remember being in so much pain, just when they got me standing upright on a walker, I was crying and screaming, not a happy child at all. The PT wanted me to walk across the room, and I thought I was going to die! That's when I remember, my dad talked to me. He said, "Mel, you can do this and if you do this I will take you down to the cafeterria for ice cream." Well I apparently did it, because I very fondly remember that walk with my dad, in a wheelchair on my way to get ice cream. I knew my dad was proud of me.

And now, probably my most favorite of all, is when I turned 16. For a lot of teenagers 16 was a big deal. Of course that is the age of rite of passage when it comes to driving. But for me, I didn't really think anything of it, I didn't really think I was going to drive, so it was not a lot to look forward to, other than the big sweet sixteen party I had planned at my Dad's house. All of my friends were there, from school, camp, church, even a few from the internet, I hadn't even met yet.

So, here I was enjoying being with all of my friends in one place, when my dad comes in and interupts. He proceeds to tell me, "Melody we forgot the ice cream, come with me to the store." So being clueless as I was, I say ok, and I leave my own party to go with my dad in his convertable to the grocery store. We get to the end of the block, and he turns around and stops. He says, "Get out." Of course, I was rather confused, "Huh?"

My dad then repeats himself, "Just get out." So I listen, he then tells me to sit down in the driver's seat. It was then that I realized what was really happening. Below stearing wheel, I notice a lever that basically looks like another turn signal. "Drive" he says, "This is gas and this is brake, and this is a suicide knob you use to turn the wheel."

So I start to drive back to the house. Every single one of my friends were apparently informed on the secret by my step mom while I was gone, because EVERYONE was out on the driveway cheering for me.

There are no words to explain how I felt that night. Hearing the sounds of my friends and family cheering me on, I was on top of the world. Even though I don't drive now, I feel like, just the fact that my dad was willing to do that for me, to show me that I could, and how much he believed in me, means everything to me.

Even though my family may not be the ideal you would consider. And even though, it may not seem to the outside world that my dad and I have the healthy father and daughter relationship, in his own way, he always tries to show me how much he really cares. I believe we have a lot of meaningful silent conversations. And for that I will always be thankful.

"A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart." ~Author Unknown

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me." ~Jim Valvano

2008: A Year of Miracles

I haven't blogged in forever, and I figure I should inform the world we are still alive. I feel so blessed. What an amazing year this has been. It is incredible to me to think that it was just over a year ago, I made the life changing decision of adoption. I have learned so much about myself this year. I have learned I am able to make good decisions, and trust the guidance of the Lord in the things I do. I have learned just how much stronger I am than I ever before realized.

In light of recent events, I cannot help but express that I feel my life has come full circle. So many of the difficult trials from recent years, have turned to blessings and have become closed doors in a web of many microscopic miracles intertwined in the madness of my life.

2008 could not possibly be any better than it has become. I hope the New Year finds you all blessed and watchful of the future. May we use our spiritual eyes and see the blessings in the trials the Lord holds in store for us this year.

He is My Best Friend

Dictionary.com defines “friend”…

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.

I have been blessed with lots of friends in my life time. I have been blessed also, with a great talent in keeping in touch with friends over a long period of time, no matter the distance. Friends from elementary school, high school, youth conferences, internet, summer camps, old neighborhoods… the list goes on. Many of them I have not seen for a very long time, yet we remain close. Oft times, I come across the getting-to-know you question, “Who is your best friend?” and in response, I always think of five or six people (most of which I have not seen in quite a while).

Well today, someone else came to my mind.

I really wonder what it will be like when I get to the next life.

I cannot even imagine the reunion I will have with my Savior. If he is my best friend now, how close were we in the preexistence? If he is my best friend now, how glorious will that reunion be in the life after? Will we talk of how much we missed each other? Will we talk of memories from the past?

Will I say, “Remember when I was so frustrated with this, and then you came a long and made it all better?”

Will he say, “Melody, remember when you went through that? I wanted to do so much more for you, but I had to let you learn. And though it may not seem so, I never left your side. Now look how far you’ve come. It is so good to see you again!”


D&C 121:7-9

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

Being Content

The sunset from Main Street, here in town.

A couple of weeks ago, our Relief Society president gave a lesson in Relief Society about being content. She proposed a lot of questions about what makes us content in the world we live in. Life is full of so many dramatics and business, that a lot of times, we don't get time for us and end up running around like crazy chickens running from a puppy in the chicken coupe.

Simplicity. More often than not, the things that make us happy are simple things. She gave us fridge magnets with a blank list on it to fill in what makes us content so that we can write them down, and use them when we need a break. She pointed out that there are spiritual things, and non spiritual things that make us content.

I have been wondering around my house all morning. I realized one of the things that really does make me massively content is music. I have had my ipod on, litterally for hours now, and I am listening to Michael McLean. I have been completely able to block out the rest of the world and just indulge in his music. I don't know if it is how I was raised, or not. I do know that I used to spend hours in my room as a teen and lay on my bed and just listen to music.

When I was in high school, and I had a really bad day, I was dealing with the death of a friend, my parents divorce and keeping up on school work. I was completely distraught. I went and talked to my mom and the first thing she did was send me to my room! Yeah, she grounded me! I laid down on my bed and she turned on one of my Michael McLean CD's. I laid there and listened for a long time, until I felt better. Like magic.

Even through the hardest times in my life, I always turned to the same places. In my own divorce, and another divorce, and being a single mom, and placing a baby for adoption, I always turned to music. After I came home from the hospital in March, as figured, I couldn't sleep, afraid to close my eyes and see my baby's face, then cry myself to sleep. But then I would take my ipod to bed with me, and listen to "Hope Hiding There" "Delivery" "No" and "Something Perfect" (see my playlist on the right) over and over, until I fell asleep. I remember, my mom told me not to do that, that it was making me sad, and cry but really, it was what I needed to be content in my life.

More often than not, once you find your refuge, you make it through the hard times, and before you know it, you are looking back, and realize you made it through. I had that experience last night. It has been one year to the day, being yesterday, since Ben walked out. I remember that night vividly, wondering how in the world am I going to get through this. And now, all of the sudden, I realize I have. Life moves on, and I am more than happy, and most of all, content.

The Meaning of Pure Joy

Just a quick thing I want to share...

A few minutes ago, I did something that perhaps I should not have done. (I am getting ready to go out, so crying isn't a good idea) I opened up pictures from the hospital from right after Tyler was born. This is my first time seeing these specific moments, as I was still in the OR. I watched a video of when the nurse first brought the baby in to show the family. I was handling it just fine, until the moment she placed him in Jen's arms for the first time. I started bawling. heh. The look on Jen's face just melts my heart. I can't even imagine the feeling that was lifted from her shoulders in that moment to hold her beautiful son that she has longed for and wanted for so long.



Until now, I have only seen glimpses of this side of the adoption process through Cass and Mark and their desire to have children. I am extremely grateful to Heavenly Father to have the opportunity and blessing of being a part of this tender mercy for Braden and Jen in bringing this child into the world.

A Home for Christmas

I cannot believe how much this little family has been blessed in such a short amount of time. Since the decision to move to this small town, soooo many things have fallen into place, and we have been blessed little by little. I don't even know where to begin! Let's start with being close to family. I absolutely love being by my sister! She and I were best friends when I was in high school, and I feel like we have been able to rebuild that. (Of course, she will tell you we were only best friends because she got a car, and started driving me places *don't worry, she's kidding, although it helped!*) We talk everyday. She helps me so much. She has helped me find in home help (like Eliza was, back in California), she has helped me move in, ran errands, and most importantly, she has been here for me to talk to. Some of you know, I have certain personal battles I am facing right now, and tough decisions ahead. Cass has been my rock, and the ONE person I can really depend on to understand completely. It is amazing how different it is having a friend in front of you, or a phone call away down the street to be a listening ear. The next major blessing is the place we live. First of all, it is smaller than the apartment in Sandy, which has positives and negatives. Smaller corners, so it is harder to manipulate my chair, but it is less to clean. When I first moved in I was really worried about having room for everything in my kitchen, but still to this day, I feel like the Lord is miraculously making everything fit in this little apartment. It has really been a blessing. A major part of the blessing is the owners of the complex. It is a small town, it's not part of some big property monopoly, nope. The owners are a couple native to the town who just enjoy being landlords. They call it their hobby, not their job. They are even in my ward. Anyway, when I first moved in, we asked about one handrail in the bathroom, he put in three. I told him I knick corners with my chair, he put in corner protectors. I told him I was worried about the doorways, he said, "Well, we may widen them, it wouldn't be that hard, we have done it before." When I first did my walk through, she was worried I would be disappointed because the carpet is old and wasn't shampooed after the last tenant (who moved to the next building and only lived here 3 months). Those of you who know me, know I am extremely GRATEFUL the carpet wasn't new or stainless. I always have SO much guilt when it comes to the carpet and my wheelchair staining it. This time, it is one less thing I have to worry about. OH... also during my first walkthrough, Cass and I were talking to Denise(the landlord), and mentioned I was going to buy bunkbeds for the girls. Well, we didn't have too. Denise and Mike had some, from when the complex was for college students, and we got them for free. They even came over and put them up for me. It has really been a positive experience living here. If I have ANY problems at all, they are here. The girls love Mike (one of the landlords, the husband) they call him Uncle Mike (plus, I think it's funny he looks like my Uncle Joe, only shorter). The other night he came over to help me with my internet, and Laci was sick, he poked in her room in the midst of the puke and caos and said, "Are you sure there isn't anything else I can do?" Now on to the church. I was really having a negative experience with the church in Sandy. People were just not there for me, in a very hard time in my life. I have only been in this apartment, and in this ward for thirteen days, and I am so overwelmed with love and gratitude for these people. They have offered to give me rides to church and activities, in fact they insist. My Relief Society Presidency has been over to my house both Sundays to talk and see if we need anything. We have already been brought three meals. I didn't even request it. They just said, "We will be bringing you meals twice a week you can freeze for when you need them. There is a lady on bedrest above you, due in January, and we are doing it for her. It is just the right thing to do, it can't be easy for you either." Okay then! We went to the Ward Christmas dinner this week (by way of ride with someone in the ward of course) and it was great. The couple who gave us a ride, sat by us, and helped with the girls. There wasn't that pressure to be a perfect mom anymore. Also, they sent us home with the leftovers from the turkey dinner. Needless to say, my freezer is full and ready for my down days (we all know I have a lot). Just when you think it couldn't get any better, something else happens. It's funny, a month or two ago I was saying the opposite. Just when you think it couldn't get any worse... Did I mention, Sammie's new kindergarten teacher grew up in Sandy in our old ward, and knows her old teacher? That is a huge blessing. I don't know if she did yet, but was going to call up her old teacher and get the scoop on Sam. And they have requested already to test her for speech and other delays. The speech therapist has put a call in to Sam's preschool in CA requesting her IEP. Hopefully, Sam will finally get the help here in Utah she deserves, since the school district in Sandy took her out of Special Ed. Other school news, Laci was tested for preschool on Friday. If she gets in, she will be bussed everyday to a nearby town for preschool. It would be fantastic for her. Even though, right now she is in a rut as far as potty training, (all the changes triggered digression) I really feel that she is also being blessed behind the scenes with everything else. While I have been sitting here, I have been watching the snow fall. The snow falling has gone from, not sticking to the cement outside, to sticking and the entire parking lot out my window is white. Even though I can't get anywhere when sidewalks aren't shoveled, the Lord is still providing a way for things to happen that need to. Sam has a ride to school everyday, even though it is across the street. The girls and I put up our little Christmas tree Thursday night. We did it all by ourselves. The Christmas tree, and the nativity set is pretty much all we have out right now, but what more do you need? Even though, it's insane to move right in the midst of the holidays. Even though we won't have much under our tree this year. To me, it just feels nice to finally be home for Christmas. We have eachother, and good people around us, that's all this little family needs. Happy Holidays.