There is Always Something More

After a fabulous day, I think it is time to sit down, take the time, and share what I have taken from today.

Today in church, I was asked to share an experience in my life dealing with a trial, and then being blessed in return. Well, I decided to share a condensed version of the story of Tyler, and my experiences with adoption. 

My last night with Tyler, in the hospital alone, I spent hours looking into his all knowing eyes. His little spirit was so incredibly strong, I do not think I could properly relate it to anyone, if they were not there to witness it for themselves. I honestly believe that his spirit, being so close to the veil, knew who he was, and the situation in which he came down to earth. And now, looking back, I wonder if he knew what was in store. I wonder if he knew what was in store for me, and perhaps he was trying to tell me in someway, by sharing his soul with me. I will forever cherish those moments I had with him in our final quiet hours of the night.

I could not have remotely imagined that this is what was in store for me! 2 years ago, I was dealing with so much grief and loss, just struggling not to cry myself to sleep at night, worried I would see my baby boy's eyes when I closed mine. But now, 2 years and a few days later, I am sitting at my computer, staring at the screen wondering how to put into words what I feel I need to say.

Currently, my anthem of hope (one of many), "Hope Hiding" is resonating in my ears. I am reminded of those feelings, of letting go, of growth, and feeling peace, and that I was strong enough, and that my Father was looking out for me. I once thought that Tyler was the final chapter to a part of my life that needed closing. Finding peace with the adoption and moving on enjoying life, was the puzzle piece needed for the most spiritual experience of my life, to finish, and come about.

I have moved forward to a different chapter of my life. Soon after the adoption, I met Bryan. Bryan, a person who, at first glance would not be a person to fit into my life. Bryan had his own share of trials. Somehow, those trials prepared him to be with me. If you read my previous blog, you see how blessed I feel to have what I have. To have my children, to have my husband. This husband. The one in which I have no doubt I am meant to be with. I understand now, that though, I have been through two marriages that did not work out, they were meant to happen, only in God's grand design, to bring us together.

So it seems, though two years ago, I did not know what was in store. I was willing and ready to face it. Going back and reading, I think I really wasn't expecting anything less than more trials. I did not know what laid ahead, but I knew I was taken care of. There is no other words to use, than the grand design of the great creator some how he found a way. I have no idea how he has been able to piece our lives together so delicately, as to provide the trials we need to grow in faith, and pull things in we don't expect or have anything to do with to bless us and move us forward where we need to be.

“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” (Joseph B. Worthlin)

It seems to me, that maybe I was wrong. Life isn't in chapters at all. No, I thought finding peace in the adoption was the final chapter. But see, then I could also say, finding Bryan, working hard, and discovering happy marriage is the final chapter too. No, I do not think that is the case either, then what is it? Perhaps life isn't about succeeding at each chapter, but it is about realizing, that there will always be something more. That our work is never done. And more importantly, that the Lord, creator, and grand designer of our souls, will never be done with his work, in shaping us. It is about realizing through the pain that, "around every corner, though you're unaware.... there is hope hiding there."(Michael McLean, "Hope Hiding")

2008: A Year of Miracles

I haven't blogged in forever, and I figure I should inform the world we are still alive. I feel so blessed. What an amazing year this has been. It is incredible to me to think that it was just over a year ago, I made the life changing decision of adoption. I have learned so much about myself this year. I have learned I am able to make good decisions, and trust the guidance of the Lord in the things I do. I have learned just how much stronger I am than I ever before realized.

In light of recent events, I cannot help but express that I feel my life has come full circle. So many of the difficult trials from recent years, have turned to blessings and have become closed doors in a web of many microscopic miracles intertwined in the madness of my life.

2008 could not possibly be any better than it has become. I hope the New Year finds you all blessed and watchful of the future. May we use our spiritual eyes and see the blessings in the trials the Lord holds in store for us this year.

EXPERIENCE - Author Unknown

I learn as the years roll onward
And leave the past behind.
That much I have counted sorrow
But proves our God is kind.
That many a flower I longed for
Had a hidden thorn of pain,
and many a rugged bypath
Led to fields of ripened grain.

The clouds that cover the sunshine
They cannot banish the sun,
And the earth shines out the brighter
When the weary rain is done.
We must stand in the deepest shadow
To see the clearest light;
And often from wrong's own darkness
Comes the weary strength of right.

We must live through the weary winter
If we would value the spring.
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they can bud and bloom,
And the sweetest and warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom.

So the heart from the hardest trial gains
The purest joy of all.
And from the lips that have tasted sadness
The sweetest songs will fall,
For as peace comes after suffering,
And love is reward of pain.
So after earth comes heaven,
And out of our loss is gain.


This has been my favorite poem since I first came across it as a kid for an English project. I found it in a poem book my mom had in her collection, needless to say, she never got it back! I used the book so often, that it was pointless to give it to her, and just ask for it back again. Now watch, she's going to read this, and not even know what I am talking about anyway. I think I was in 7th or 8th grade.

Little did I know then, how much it would come to ring true of my life now.

Being a birthmom, who has placed a child for adoption, I cannot tell you how much it means to me to know that my little boy is turning out just as, if not better, than I had hoped. Tyler is 6 months old now. Time sure goes by fast.

Okay, forgive me, but it IS football season... Life kind of reminds me of a football game. You have the coach, and the playbook, and you are trying to get past the line of scrimmage to score a touch down. But, with the defensive line of the other team against you, and refs calling out penalties, you keep losing yards. You have to start the process over again to get to the goal line. At least, that seems to be my life. Bad calls, 15 yard penalties right when it seems you had it in the bag, and having to start over again. In the end, sooner or later, you score, maybe a few times, but then the game is over anyway.

At least I know with this trial that I faced, and the decision I made, I know I scored a touchdown.

See, even according to this 6 month old, I've done well.

Though, this has been a hard year, and I seem to be struggling right now, it really is just making me stronger, and preparing me for what is to come. I have much to be grateful for. With all the horror and pain of this year, there is no doubt it has been the best year of my life. My faith has been strengthened, and my resolve renewed. I know I am not alone, and that I have somewhere I want to be. I feel like I am a completely different person, with a completely different perspective than the one I had not too long ago.

In Institute yesterday, we were studying the life of Gene R. Cook. The following quote is his life motto, and it really struck a deep cord with me.

"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul." (Ella Wheeler Wilcox)

So the heart from the hardest trial gains
The purest joy of all.
And from the lips that have tasted sadness
The sweetest songs will fall,
For as peace comes after suffering,
And love is reward of pain.
So after earth comes heaven,
And out of our loss is gain.