11/19/11

Gold to Refine

I can't believe it is Thanksgiving time again!  This makes me happy!  We have so much to be grateful for.  As I have said recently, amidst all the trials, miracles seem to be filling my life.  Bryan and I have been trying to get pregnant for about two years, and a little extra.  It has been very emotional on both of us.  Hard on Bryan, because he would like more than anything to have a child of his own, and especially a boy, to carry on his family name.  Hard on me, though it may sound selfish, being a diligent birth-mom, and having made the decision to place my baby boy for adoption, knowing I could have taken care of him, but knowing it was what the Lord wanted and the miracle he brought to the world around him. Now, wondering why I couldn't have a miracle for myself.

There are a few people who knew of the situation, and I am forever grateful for their ongoing support and prayers.  One of those people is actually Jen, Tyler's mom.  I told her of my heartache, and she seemed to understand my pain.  I feel so blessed to have someone who truly understands, and yet cares so deeply about me and my happiness.

Finally in September we went to the doctor with our concerns. She ordered tests.  The tests came back in mid September, and they came back bearing bad news.  We were told that we would likely not be able to conceive without invitro fertilization.  This of course, is very costly, and not a guarantee. So, though it wasn't completely impossible for pregnancy on our own, the 2% odds were not in our favor.

My doctor was really supportive.  We were touched by her reaction. She said she would love to continue to be my woman's care doctor.  She also said, "I don't know your religious background, but there are two woman in the Bible who were told they wouldn't be able to have kids, and God provided them with children. Don't give up completely."  I am grateful to have a good doctor, who seemed to be inspired to say what she did at the time.

Throughout this whole ordeal, my mom has been a great support.  Because of the recent premature birth and of my older brother, who died shortly after birth, the doctors told her that she should go on birth control for at least three months.  She refused. A previous diagnosis had been given that she did not have but a year that her body could sustain a pregnancy. Her response to the doctor was, "If God wants me pregnant, then I will get pregnant."  I was born 361 days after my brother.  Just four days shy of the one-year deadline. My mom has told me this story several times, being the miracle story of my birth, but it really hit home now.

It was hard for Bryan and I, but we accepted it.  No longer did we have to plan on a bigger vehicle, or a bigger home.  No longer were we calling out names we would see on TV, to cross as possible baby names.  We adjusted.  Over the next couple weeks, the baby names on TV became dog names.  We would get more dogs.

It was now October.  We all the normal October things.  We put up Halloween decorations, bought Halloween costumes, and started gearing up for Bryan's parent's visit the weekend before Halloween.  His parents were scheduled to fly in late Thursday, October 27th, and we planned on seeing them first thing Friday morning.  To my dismay, I was sick all day Wednesday, with some kind of stomach bug.  Thursday, still sick, I declared it the flu. Company was coming, and my house was a mess.  Not only that, I'm likely contagious. What bad timing!

In my frustration, I started texting my mom.  After a bit of correspondence, she sends me a texts that says, "Don wants to know if you are pregnant."  Now, this was slightly awkward.  I mean, with everything we had recently been through, how could my step dad crack a joke about me being pregnant?  I let it go, and just responded with, "Not likely, but if I ever am, you will be second (technically third) to know!"

When I got up to use the restroom, I decided to take a pregnancy test just for kicks.  After all, I had a bunch, expiring in January, and I could then take a picture and send it directly to Don as proof.  That would teach him!  I mean, who (especially male) wants to look at a used pregnancy test?

I took the test, and had to look at it several times.  I even reread the directions, thinking I was misinterpreting it.

 It was positive.

I didn't believe it at first. Sometimes it is still hard to believe.  I went to the doctor as soon as possible, as this wasn't something that was suppose to happen, I wanted to make sure it wasn't all a joke.  When the doctor found out why we were there, she was absolutely elated.  She used the phrase, "tickled pink!" It has since been confirmed by the doctor and by ultrasound, with visual and audio heart beat. I am due June 21st 2012.  Which means the baby was conceived the same week the doctor gave us the bad news test results.

Apparently Heavenly Father has different plans for this little family.  He has been there all along.  He heard our prayers, and was just waiting to bless us.  After all the heartache we had been through, it seems He just wanted us to let go. Once we did, and put our faith in Him, then came the miracle.

"Fear not I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and do still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie
My grace all sufficient shall be thy supply
The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."

("How Firm A Foundation," LDS Hymnbook, #85, verses 3, 5. See also Isaiah 41:10)

11/1/11

Masterpiece

I feel so blessed with where life is right now. It makes me slightly nervous to admit it, knowing one day trials will come.  But I figure, if we don't count our blessings, then they will be that much harder to look back on when we need something to hold on to when the hard times come.

I am grateful for miracles that happen in life. I have learned and relearned, and currently learning, that our Heavenly Father doesn't just give us half the miracle. He gives whole miracles.  For example, my decision of adoption.  That was a difficult choice, but a spiritual right choice.  I knew it would bring both me and Tyler the greatest happiness. Finding his parents was a miracle, but how on earth was I ever going to be truly happy and go on in my life, finding my happily ever after?  I did not know how it would work out, but somehow it continues to. And it seems, things continue to happen in my life, that bring me back to that life altering event, and I see how it is all connected. Though, He may give us one piece of the puzzle at a time, after patience and faith does the full miracle come.  And it seems, no matter how many chapters we come to in life, all of the small miracles, have been woven themselves into a magnificent endless and eternal masterpiece. And He is the Creator.

9/26/11

Everybody needs a Kolo!

I know you all have probably been wondering how Kolo, my service dog is doing.  Here is a fun little update!


Words Kolo Knows:

  1. Heel
  2. No
  3. Sit
  4. stay
  5. up
  6. down
  7. off
  8. lay down
  9. bathroom
  10. no lick
  11. no bark
  12. kennel
  13. ball
  14. duck
  15. treat
  16. outside/play
  17. eat/hungry
  18. basket
  19. phone
  20. Mom
  21. Dad
  22. Laci
  23. Sam


Commands:

  1. Push – Push a door closed
  2. Pull- pull a blasket or a door closed/open
  3. Grab my phone- retrieves my phone. Will not stop until she finds it. When it rings, she does this without a command.
  4. Grab it- Follow a point to pick something up off the floor, or something across the room. (ie. Remote, clothing, paper, coins, pens, cord to my charger) She grabs based on popularity if I point to a pile. She hands me the most commonly asked for item first. If I drop something, and she is aware, she picks it up without a command and gives it to me. (ie. Keys, folded socks, silverware from the dishwasher, phone, clicker) She is very smart, if she starts looking somewhere too high, sometimes I can say 'down' and she looks down.. She is very good at following where I point. I can say up, and she jumps and looks up.
      For example, if something is on the bed, I point to it and say grab it, she still doesn't see it. I can say, 'up on the bed...grab it' and she will jump up on the bed and look.
  5. In the basket- Place object in the basket. Most common item, shoes and braces. She puts my shoes away for me, as she also retrieves them for me when I am getting ready each day.
  6. Take- Carry and object (ie purse, keys, phone, leash, water bottle, grocery bag, empty box)
  7. Follow- follow behind me in tight spaces (ie. doors)

I take words she knows and turn them into commands. For example:

“Grab the basket, bring it to me” (She can pull a basket of laundry behind me)
“Take it to ____(Dad, Sam, Laci, Mom)
“Grab your duck”

I love her Personality!

A lot of times if I stay in one place for a period of time (ie. The computer) she will bring her toys in, and play with one til she gets bored and get another. In consequence, I end up with all her toys right behind me when I go to back up. I can then say, “grab your duck” Hence the convenience for this command.

She is very eager to learn, and works well for treats. In fact, just yesterday, I was in the kitchen doing something. Kolo randomly jumped up on the washer across the room, and grabbed a bag of treats I had left there earlier, and brought them to me. Handed them to me, and sat eagerly. Even right now while I type this she did the same thing, and is laying next to me with her treat bag in tow, waiting for me to notice.

Kolo is very aware. She kinda reminds me of Samantha. Only in dog version. Sam was always very concerened for me, even at a very very young age. Kolo is the same way. She seems to understand more than she should. She knows she is helping me.

This past weekend, Bryan had a tooth pulled, so he spent a lot of time relaxing. We have two recliners at our house. One is a big lazyboy type, and it is mine. The other is leather and a bit smaller, and it is Bryan's. It is well known at our house that Kolo prefers my chair. Its big and comfy. There is room for both her and I on it. Well after a while, because Kolo refuses to lay with Bryan on his chair, he switched to mine, hoping she would stay with him. She did, for a while. I discovered, that be cause I was up and about doing things around the house, Kolo didn't stay put. She would get up and come check on me, follow me for a while, and go back to Bryan. And she continued to do that.

So, it seems, that my dog is just perfectly concerned about me. If I were sitting in my recliner, you better bet, she wouldn't move at all, expect to get a drink. She is always watching what I am doing, looking for opportunities to help, and get treats.


I feel so blessed, she is the companion I never knew I needed this much.  And I can't picture life without her!

'Til the End of the Road

You Are My Best Friend

When the world is against us
We are never alone,
We can lean on each other
And the stress will be gone.

When darkness fills the room
And you don't know what to do,
I will light a candle
And stay by you.

You are my best friend

I will always love you
For all that you do,
You are my best friend
My dream come true.

When decisions are tough
And I don't know what to choose,
I'll call out to you
I can never lose.

When I need a shoulder to cry on
Or someone to just be there,
There are tears in your eyes
When you tell me you care.

You are my best friend.

I will always love you
'Til the end of the road,
When your burden is heavy
I'll carry the load.

I will always love you 
For all that you are,
You will always have a best friend
When you look in your heart.

Dedicated to: Francisco 'Frankie' Villa (1975-2009)
Written in 1998, Melody Clayton

As you can see, this poem was written in my adolescence.  It was written during a very difficult time in my life. My parents were going through divorce, my sister whom I was very close to, and relied on in hard times, had just gone away to college, and I was struggling with my self-confidence.  During this time, I turned to the internet for friends.   This was back in the day, when having a picture online was rare. The phrase, "friends without faces" was commonly used. I found solace here.  It was a place that I could be myself, without being judged by appearance, or physical ability.  And often, we didn't know the appearance of each other.  In the process, I created a network of friends, with disabilities.  Seems I wasn't the only one out there with the same desire.  I was actually the youngest in this group of people, my being only fifteen at the time, and they were all in their twenties. In time, I became like the little sister of the group, and we all became very close friends. We each were dealing with our own real life problems. It was here, that I met Frankie. I still remember vividly the night I found out my mom told me that she was leaving my dad.  It was to these friends that I turned to and cried with.

Time passed, friends come and gone, and passed on.  Frankie and I lost touch in 2003. Another time in my life, that was very difficult.  I cut off ties with a lot of friends.  I wish I hadn't, but that is just the kind of thing that happens in life.  In July 2008, I found him again, online.  What a blessing it was, and we just picked up where we left off. Even though there was nothing we could do for the lost time.  I am grateful for that time, as Frankie passed away in 2009, just days before my first date with Bryan. One of the last conversations that we had, was of finding happiness in this life, and love, and family.  I can't help but think maybe, he was a guardian angel for me, and helped bring my husband and I together. Possibly not, but it makes me feel better. I still think of him, as anyone who loses someone knows, different things in daily life can trigger a memory.  Yesterday, I was listening to my Ipod, folding laundry, and his favorite song came on, "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban, and tears came to my eyes. I guess that is where all this reflection comes from.

Over the last few years, I have lost a handful of friends to health problems.  I guess that is part of growing up, and part of having a lot of friends with disabilities and health issues. I am grateful for the time that I had with them.  I have learned to be grateful for the friends I have.  In the last few months, I have reconnected with some of those close friends I cut off ties to several years ago.  Better late than never.  Frankie and I never met in person, and he has since gone on, running, and jumping in heaven. he can rest assured that I am well taken care of.  Not only by my husband, but now by friends, that will be there 'til the end of the road.

9/23/11

My Constant Star - 2007

My Constant Star

When I was born
And there was no hope
She was the one
Who wouldn’t let go

When I was in preschool
And I ran a race
She was right by my side
When I won first place

She was the one who taught me
The things I know
Of my noble birthright
And heavenly goal

When I was in junior high
And I was failing a class
She was right on it
Making sure I passed

When I was in high school
Dealing with the death of a friend
She was there to remind me
Her life didn’t end

She is a constant star
Everywhere I go
Reminding me of
The truths I know

When I was in college
And we moved to a new place
She was there to help me
Find my space

When I was in labor
And almost died
She was by my side
When the baby cried

When I got divorced
And my world came crashing down
She was right beside me
Keeping my feet on the ground

When I made my mistakes
And went the wrong way
She was still there to love me
Every single day

Now as I move on
To get married again
If only she knew
What her love meant

I love you mom
For all that you are
You’re my best friend
And constant star


Melody Jynnette Weight
April 10, 2007

4/24/11

A Day to Celebrate

I am scrambling to gather my thoughts today, staring at the blank page, not really sure how or where to begin. I feel as though some magical profound words should be showing up to demonstrate how I feel.

Today is the most special of all holidays for me. I am awestruck of the reverence I feel toward the resurrection of mankind. Actually, I am not really sure whether I feel like dropping to my knees or leaping for joy. I guess sitting here blogging, and telling the world about it is somewhere in between. Or perhaps it is not quite enough at all.

Today I celebrate what it means. What it means for me. Jesus Christ overcame death, and all that was placed in His path, that we (or that I) may one day do the same. Not only did He take on all the sins and pains of this world, but he died, and rose again. Not only did he just rise again. But he rose again, that we may do the same. Not just rise again, but rise again perfected. Made whole. Restored. Proper and perfect. That the pain and anguish of this life will not endure forever. But instead, the peace in perfection in the presence of God. Today I celebrate redemption. I celebrate my Savior and Redeemer. The Redeemer of Mankind.

Perhaps one day, when I am a little less scrambled, I will make a poem out of that paragraph. For now, it does not seem possible to summarize into poetry the way I feel.

I feel like proclaiming as Job did... For I know that my Redeemer lives, and though, old age, disability, bug bites, sickness, depression, baldness, sadness and pain destroy this body... yet in my flesh I shall see God. And I shall leap. And I will run. And I will dance in gratitude for my Savior, even Jesus Christ.

"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.  Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." (Isaiah 53:3-5)

2/27/11

The Past, the Future, and Today

The more and more I think about it I am absolutely amazed at how fast time seems to be going. I am amazed how grown up the girls have become. It half breaks my heart everyday. The three of us went through so much together, and it blows my mind where we have ended up. We have many blessings now that I couldn't have even begun to imagine back as a single mom in California. Most important, the girls have the influence of a father in their lives. Not only Bryan, but Russell. They have been able to build a relationship with their dad, in spite of the three years of lost time.

Yes, I know I can't turn back time. Samantha is already almost nine, and I remember fun times when she was four dancing on the couch. And then, Laci and her little squeaky gibberish. Back when the center of her world was her big sister and her little stuffed dog. I am realizing everyday that I don't have toddlers anymore. They are both in school all day now, and though bringing me joy everyday, it is hard not to wish to take them back to that time of greater simplicity.

We have grown, and experienced much together. Through the years, I am grateful I am to have had them on this adventure of growth and challenge. They are my little companions in life. The journey to this point would not have been so enjoyable. In some ways, I think, I would not have made it without them. It was them, and their dependence on me, that kept me going on those hard days. Not to mention, the undying help of a loving Heavenly Father. Though, yes, there are some experiences I wish I could have protected them from having to go through, I am grateful we all have overcome with grace and a smile.

Looking forward, I wonder what is in store. I am excited to watch their personalities grow. I wonder what they will be like as teenagers. Will they be best friends? It seems I get glimpses everyday. As a parent I can only make guesses. Samantha is full of compassion and awareness of those around her. She has a strong desire to make people comfortable, loved and happy. While Laci is the artist full of humor, with a love of animals, and animals love her back. It will be exciting to see how they decide to use their gifts and talents as they grow up.

In the mean time, I will just continue to try and take it one day at a time. I need to look for what I am grateful for everyday, as to not focus too much on the past or the future, but the present.

"Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.

Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, 'The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.' " -Thomas S. Monson October 2008 General Conference



January 2007

1/16/11

The Adventure Continues

As we were preparing for Christmas, I found myself saying to Bryan, "Just think, next year we will be somewhere completely new, with our little family, enjoying the holidays together, reflecting on the year passed."  I knew change was coming, I did not expect it to come this quickly.  It is amazing to me, when we do our best to do what is right, and make wise decisions, putting our trust in Lord, how things that seem so big and scary, just fall into place.

As you have probably figured out, Bryan has finished his degree, all except a class that was neglected by his guidance counselor, that he found out, during finals week, he needed to have taken in order to graduate.  This is after his counselor insisted he did not need it.  Luckily, this class has nothing to do with his area of study, and he can take it online.

Over the last several months, Bryan and I have been considering our options, trying to decide where and what we wanted to do when we got to this point in his schooling.  At first, we were planning on Bryan going on to get his Master's in Medical Physics, from an accredited school.  That would take us out of the state of Utah.  Over the course of time, that plan has been changed. Instead, Bryan would like to find a job right away, and build stability for the family.  Okay, so that was our plan.

The next step would be deciding where we wanted to be. It was decided that we wanted somewhere it didn't snow, yet something new (Arizona and California off the list). That is when we decided on Texas.  I was still willing to go other places, but in my heart of hearts, I knew it was where I wanted to be.  Come to find out, there are a lot of jobs in the science industry over there.  And actually, in all his research of what is available in Texas, he has become interested in Nuclear Physics instead.  He would love to work at a power plant.

It seems since we made this decision, everything has fallen into place. We have become very interested in Houston. We have applied for an apartment, and we find out either Monday, or Tuesday if we get it.  If that happens, we will be moving the following week. The apartment is huge, compared to here, and for nearly the same price.  We are very excited for the warmer weather, and just simply starting a new life.

I will have to take a lot of my rehabilitation into my own hands, which has me a little worried.  But, I think I can do it.  I plan on taking Kolo on walks, and taking advantage of the weather.  I also look forward to the extra space for my yoga mat, and having room to do some of my PT exercises I learned in PT. Not to mention, I will be cleaning my own apartment still.  It is my hope I will continue lose weight, and gain more stamina. We plan on taking my manual chair out of the van, and have me use my crutches a lot more often when we go places.

I am going to miss my neighbors, our family, our ward, and dear forever friends here in Salt Lake.  I will miss my doctors and the convenience of the hospital.  I will miss my amazing Physical Therapist who has become a very close friend.  Not to mention, this will take us further from my family in Arizona. But, it is just that time to open the next chapter in the story of life. I will not miss the snow.  I will not miss the cold.  I will not miss the cinder block walls!

I am excited for this new adventure that awaits.  I am thrilled to see what Heavenly Father has in store.  I know, wherever we go, we have our little family, and we have the knowledge of the gospel, in knowing that if we strive to do what is best, then what lays in store will be better than we have ever imagined!  So I say, let the next adventure begin!