12/27/08

2008: A Year of Miracles

I haven't blogged in forever, and I figure I should inform the world we are still alive. I feel so blessed. What an amazing year this has been. It is incredible to me to think that it was just over a year ago, I made the life changing decision of adoption. I have learned so much about myself this year. I have learned I am able to make good decisions, and trust the guidance of the Lord in the things I do. I have learned just how much stronger I am than I ever before realized.

In light of recent events, I cannot help but express that I feel my life has come full circle. So many of the difficult trials from recent years, have turned to blessings and have become closed doors in a web of many microscopic miracles intertwined in the madness of my life.

2008 could not possibly be any better than it has become. I hope the New Year finds you all blessed and watchful of the future. May we use our spiritual eyes and see the blessings in the trials the Lord holds in store for us this year.

11/16/08

They get it from me... supposedly.

So during breakfast yesterday I notice all kinds of food getting into the hallow of Sammie's loose tooth. It still would not come out though. So yesterday afternoon I finally become brilliant and call Connor, our neighbor, who just so happens to be a dentist! Of course, at first Sammie wouldn't open her mouth, I told her she would get a new toothbrush and tooth paste once she lost it.


Look who is all giggly now.


Oh the faith of a child...
"Heavy Father tank you for a Cass an Uncle Mark an Kiana. Tank you ferr duh stickers on are walls, an da ledders, an books, an princess clock, an stickers on are drawers an tank you fer Mommy Meldy, an Sammie an Laci an Beth an Jo Ann. Bess we get up tomorrow, get dressed in princess clothes, an eat breakfest, an go to school, have Halloween an Father, Amen." ~Laci's prayer tonight

10/27/08

Look to the Light

The Savior in the garden bore

The sins of every soul

He could not quit, because He knew

Only He could make us whole


So when it seems like life’s too hard

And you cannot press on

Be like the Savior, think ahead.

Look to the light and move on


He knows your pain and agony

As you struggle on this earth

But every tear will be returned

Ten times what they are worth


Tears of joy you soon will shed

When you reach your eternal home

If you just endure to the end

And look to the light and move on




Melody J. Weight, October 27, 2oo8

“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” (Elder Joseph B. Worthlin, "Come What May, and Love it" General Conference, October 2008)

And, I couldn't resist, cause he is so stinking cute!




9/16/08

EXPERIENCE - Author Unknown

I learn as the years roll onward
And leave the past behind.
That much I have counted sorrow
But proves our God is kind.
That many a flower I longed for
Had a hidden thorn of pain,
and many a rugged bypath
Led to fields of ripened grain.

The clouds that cover the sunshine
They cannot banish the sun,
And the earth shines out the brighter
When the weary rain is done.
We must stand in the deepest shadow
To see the clearest light;
And often from wrong's own darkness
Comes the weary strength of right.

We must live through the weary winter
If we would value the spring.
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they can bud and bloom,
And the sweetest and warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom.

So the heart from the hardest trial gains
The purest joy of all.
And from the lips that have tasted sadness
The sweetest songs will fall,
For as peace comes after suffering,
And love is reward of pain.
So after earth comes heaven,
And out of our loss is gain.


This has been my favorite poem since I first came across it as a kid for an English project. I found it in a poem book my mom had in her collection, needless to say, she never got it back! I used the book so often, that it was pointless to give it to her, and just ask for it back again. Now watch, she's going to read this, and not even know what I am talking about anyway. I think I was in 7th or 8th grade.

Little did I know then, how much it would come to ring true of my life now.

Being a birthmom, who has placed a child for adoption, I cannot tell you how much it means to me to know that my little boy is turning out just as, if not better, than I had hoped. Tyler is 6 months old now. Time sure goes by fast.

Okay, forgive me, but it IS football season... Life kind of reminds me of a football game. You have the coach, and the playbook, and you are trying to get past the line of scrimmage to score a touch down. But, with the defensive line of the other team against you, and refs calling out penalties, you keep losing yards. You have to start the process over again to get to the goal line. At least, that seems to be my life. Bad calls, 15 yard penalties right when it seems you had it in the bag, and having to start over again. In the end, sooner or later, you score, maybe a few times, but then the game is over anyway.

At least I know with this trial that I faced, and the decision I made, I know I scored a touchdown.

See, even according to this 6 month old, I've done well.

Though, this has been a hard year, and I seem to be struggling right now, it really is just making me stronger, and preparing me for what is to come. I have much to be grateful for. With all the horror and pain of this year, there is no doubt it has been the best year of my life. My faith has been strengthened, and my resolve renewed. I know I am not alone, and that I have somewhere I want to be. I feel like I am a completely different person, with a completely different perspective than the one I had not too long ago.

In Institute yesterday, we were studying the life of Gene R. Cook. The following quote is his life motto, and it really struck a deep cord with me.

"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul." (Ella Wheeler Wilcox)

So the heart from the hardest trial gains
The purest joy of all.
And from the lips that have tasted sadness
The sweetest songs will fall,
For as peace comes after suffering,
And love is reward of pain.
So after earth comes heaven,
And out of our loss is gain.

9/6/08

Turning 26

Tuesday, I spent the day making cupcakes and hanging out with a friend of mine. I also got a call from Cass that afternoon, inviting/demanding me to be a sub at bunko that night. I told her I didn't have a babysitter, she told me not to worry about it, that she could find one. A little while later I got a call from my friend Melinda, inviting the girls to come watch Sidney's soccer game at the school. I said that would be great and I explained that I had to be somewhere at 6:30pm. She said that was fine and offered to have the girls come to her house for that, and that her oldest daughter would bring them back at bed time and put them to bed. That was great, and I called my sister and told her Melinda would watch them.

At 6:35pm, Mark shows up at my door, saying he was there to pick me up because Cass was running late. Go figure, she is always late. So Mark takes me back to their house, but parks in the driveway instead of the garage, which I thought was weird. He was having me go in the front door. I NEVER go in the front door.

So I asked Mark, "Why aren't we going in the garage?"

After about 10 seconds (he was behind me, I couldn't see his face) he says, because there are less stairs."

Baffled, I said, "Well there is a banister for me to hold on to in the garage."

He just said, "I'll help you."

At this point, I had guessed there was something going on and thought, okay Cassandra Jeanne, what are you planning now?

We get inside and her house is spotless. And no one is there. I was totally expecting a bunch of people to yell out surprise. So I figured, ok I guess nothing is up... So, I sat down on the couch and waited for Cass to finish getting ready to go. Of course, I hadn't seen her yet. She comes out, and says, " Hey Mel. How was your day?"

Okay, why is she just standing here talking to me, if we are running late and suppose to be leaving? Confused, I answered her question, "My cupcakes were too big."

Then of course, right after I said that, I was half startled out of my chair by a yell of "Surprise!!" from the kitchen.

Cass had planned it all, and my neighbors were there. Neighbors I had just seen outside when the girls left for the soccer game. We ate pizza, and then Melinda comes in. Apparently, she had been in on the whole thing too! What the heck! We had a fun girls night, we played games, ate food, cake, ice cream and more games. We laughed a lot, and cried from laughing, and it was a great girls night out!

Thanks Cass and everyone who came. Where's the picture we took? Despite turning 26, it was a great birthday and I felt so loved. I really needed it.

He Won't Let Me Fail Them

I wasn't going to blog about this. But I think I need to, just to get it out. Minus a few really bright spots in my week, this week has been really dark and hard for me. Usually by the time I am done writing, it turns to something positive, so hopefully that will happen.

Last Sunday was complete chaos at church. Laci was absolutely rambunctious in sacrament meeting. At one point, she needed to go to the bathroom. Usually I send her with Sammie. So that is what I did. Well that didn't work, they got out the door and Sammie came back in, saying Laci wanted me. So I got up, without thinking and started walking toward the door to help the situation. The next thing I know I am face planted on the floor in the middle of the isle. A few people offered to help me up. I got up and walked outside, I was so embarassed. I took Laci to the bathroom, luckily some ladies from the ward came in to check on us. Laci was refusing to even go in the stall and go to the bathroom. Then she put up a fight when we tried to go back in and I didn't have my chair.

She continued to be wiggly through the rest of sacrament, I was glad when it was finally over.

Then, 5 minutes before RS started, Laci was finally convinced to go to primary. She kept throwing a tantrum on the floor in the middle of the primary room. It was absolutely horrible. She hasn't been going to primary very well at all lately, and I have given up on knowing what to do anymore.

Tuesday was my birthday party, look at my previous blog for that. It was one of the highlights of my week.

When I got home Tuesday night, my throat started hurting again. By the end of the night, my voice was gone. I went to bed and woke up the next morning, all congested with a fever. Though the congestion has died down, my voice is still shot. But yay, I got a cold without turning dreadfully ill!

Wednesday was my birthday, and spent it sick. I didn't leave the house. But I have awesome friends, it was still a great day.

Thursday, I continued to be sick, I just relaxed, and just let Laci hang out and do her thing all day, the house was trashed by the end of the day. But I do think that is one reason why I am better now. I RELAXED.

That night, JoAnn came and helped me clean, YAY! And the RS stopped over. They asked me if i wanted help in church. I told them I would think about it. I need the help, I know. And I know, they aren't trying to judge me at all, and they just see a need. They are willing to sit with us and take Laci out if she needs too. But I just feel so inadequate. Laci is so big now, and strong, that I cannot battle her anymore. I feel unfit, and just not up to the challenge. I am trying really hard to remember that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, but this week has been hard for me.

I am not one that usually gets down easy, in fact I am being really out of character by posting this. I went and talked to my institute teacher on Friday, he gave me a blessing and some counsel. He reminded me of the words of Gordon B. Hinckley, that single mothers of young children have the hardest job there is, and that there is no way it is done without angels and constant care of a loving Heavenly Father.

I know that is true, everyone who reads my blog, knows I know that is true.

Tonight, Laci took a dry erase marker to the wall in their room, and I hit a breaking point. If it is not one thing, it's another. I need a break. I just want to get away and clear my head. It has just been a very trying week for me. I don't even want to go to church tomorrow. I know He will carry me through, He always does. I just need to be patient and keep going. Laci starts school Monday. That will give me some relief. But, I still think a break would be good.

He loves me, I will make it. He loves my girls, as much as I do, and I know He would not have entrusted them to me, if I was not capable of fulfilling that calling. Motherhood is the most important thing to me I have. I am so grateful to be a mom, and given a fair opportunity to raise these special spirits. The Lord knows what He is doing, even if I have no clue how to get through some days. But I will. And that is what matters.

A friend of mine from HS sent me a quote in an email on Facebook earlier this week. It has been a good reminder for me.

“Please remember one thing. If our lives and our faith are centered upon Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right.”(President Howard W. Hunter)

Even though, I may feel like somewhat of a failure today, He disagrees, and He won't let me fail them.

See, I told you it would have a happy ending.

8/29/08

He is My Best Friend

Dictionary.com defines “friend”…

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.

I have been blessed with lots of friends in my life time. I have been blessed also, with a great talent in keeping in touch with friends over a long period of time, no matter the distance. Friends from elementary school, high school, youth conferences, internet, summer camps, old neighborhoods… the list goes on. Many of them I have not seen for a very long time, yet we remain close. Oft times, I come across the getting-to-know you question, “Who is your best friend?” and in response, I always think of five or six people (most of which I have not seen in quite a while).

Well today, someone else came to my mind.

I really wonder what it will be like when I get to the next life.

I cannot even imagine the reunion I will have with my Savior. If he is my best friend now, how close were we in the preexistence? If he is my best friend now, how glorious will that reunion be in the life after? Will we talk of how much we missed each other? Will we talk of memories from the past?

Will I say, “Remember when I was so frustrated with this, and then you came a long and made it all better?”

Will he say, “Melody, remember when you went through that? I wanted to do so much more for you, but I had to let you learn. And though it may not seem so, I never left your side. Now look how far you’ve come. It is so good to see you again!”


D&C 121:7-9

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

8/17/08

Being Content

The sunset from Main Street, here in town.

A couple of weeks ago, our Relief Society president gave a lesson in Relief Society about being content. She proposed a lot of questions about what makes us content in the world we live in. Life is full of so many dramatics and business, that a lot of times, we don't get time for us and end up running around like crazy chickens running from a puppy in the chicken coupe.

Simplicity. More often than not, the things that make us happy are simple things. She gave us fridge magnets with a blank list on it to fill in what makes us content so that we can write them down, and use them when we need a break. She pointed out that there are spiritual things, and non spiritual things that make us content.

I have been wondering around my house all morning. I realized one of the things that really does make me massively content is music. I have had my ipod on, litterally for hours now, and I am listening to Michael McLean. I have been completely able to block out the rest of the world and just indulge in his music. I don't know if it is how I was raised, or not. I do know that I used to spend hours in my room as a teen and lay on my bed and just listen to music.

When I was in high school, and I had a really bad day, I was dealing with the death of a friend, my parents divorce and keeping up on school work. I was completely distraught. I went and talked to my mom and the first thing she did was send me to my room! Yeah, she grounded me! I laid down on my bed and she turned on one of my Michael McLean CD's. I laid there and listened for a long time, until I felt better. Like magic.

Even through the hardest times in my life, I always turned to the same places. In my own divorce, and another divorce, and being a single mom, and placing a baby for adoption, I always turned to music. After I came home from the hospital in March, as figured, I couldn't sleep, afraid to close my eyes and see my baby's face, then cry myself to sleep. But then I would take my ipod to bed with me, and listen to "Hope Hiding There" "Delivery" "No" and "Something Perfect" (see my playlist on the right) over and over, until I fell asleep. I remember, my mom told me not to do that, that it was making me sad, and cry but really, it was what I needed to be content in my life.

More often than not, once you find your refuge, you make it through the hard times, and before you know it, you are looking back, and realize you made it through. I had that experience last night. It has been one year to the day, being yesterday, since Ben walked out. I remember that night vividly, wondering how in the world am I going to get through this. And now, all of the sudden, I realize I have. Life moves on, and I am more than happy, and most of all, content.

8/8/08

Three Antibiotics, Two Crazy Kids, and One Month Later...

Well, it has been a crazy month! I got sick around the 4th of July and was sick for the entire month until about a week ago. It started out as a fever and sore throat for about a week. I was given antibiotics. After that it turned to a sinus infection and I was given new antibiotics. Apparently, those did not work either, because I did not get any better, just worse. Finally, with a third antibiotic they started working. I guess the third time is the charm!

In July, I considered going to school in the fall. I got all registered, and changed my mind. I decided to put it off until my kids were a bit older, and just focus on our home for now.

Yesterday, I found out Sammie has Ms Jordan for school next year. I am so excited. As is Sammie. Janet Jordan is in our ward and Sam already knows her, in fact it is who she wanted. She has a very loving demeanor and will be great for Sammie. Plus, Sammie and Sidney are in the same class again. That is great news! These best friends may be double trouble, as they are both friendly, energetic little girls, but it is great they will be together for another year.

I got to go to the temple yesterday morning. That was so great. I go with my friend Melinda, who is actually Sidney's mom. We have been trying to go once a month. It is so nice to get away from the kids for a few hours and get spiritually refueled. It was a nice reminder of what is important of what is important and what I need to be doing.

You know my neighbors that I always talk about? Well they are so awesome. We have been wanting to go have a mom's night out for quite a while now. Earlier this week we planned to go to Olive Garden for dinner. So I asked Cass to watch the girls and we left at 4:30pm to get to Provo by dinner time. It was so much fun! We will have to do it again soon. I really love the neighborhood I live in, even though it's an apartment complex and so many people moving in and out all the time. Thank you Cass for watching the girls, and I hope you guys enjoyed the food we brought back for you!



It has been a busy busy summer. Though I have enjoyed having the girls home, I am ready for them to go back to school! I look forward to being able to go through a lot of clutter around the house, reorganizing the house, and just being able to do some things for me. Today I went down to the institute to register for class. Had a good chat with my former bishop who works there. He was bishop when I first moved in. I plan on taking two institute classes so I am there every day. I am so excited for school to start. Sam starts on the 19th of August, but Laci doesn't start until the 8th of September. I am going to try and see if Laci can have an hour long play date on those days so that I can still go to institute and not have to miss until the 8th.


I suppose that is pretty much it. Thank you all for your on-going support, and we hope you are all doing well!

7/4/08

Doing Just That



As the girls and I went to the store today to pick up stuff for hamburgers tonight, I couldn't help but feel gratitude for the country we live in. I listen to my ipod every time I go somewhere. And I was listening to music about America. The song that hit me the most is an instrumental song called, "A Movement for Rosa" which is about Rosa Parks. I played it at music camp many years ago at Utah State.


Today while out and about I decided to stop at the town cemetary. There was American flags on all the gravestones of those who had served our country. I explained what those meant, and told them they should be grateful to live in this country and that a lot of people work hard everyday to keep it a good land for us to live. After, Samantha took her time walking around looking at all the flags and stones. Tonight I grilled up some hamburgers while the girls played outside with a super soaker. Samantha said the blessing on the food, and in her prayer she said, "Thank you for all the flags, Father."

We are so privileged to have the freedoms that we have in this country. I think of 9-11, I think of firefighters, and soldiers, our founding fathers who gave their lives for the freedoms that we have, and all the people who make this country what it is. I have friends who are in the military, my father, my mother... It is close to my heart. I think of the kind people I encounter everyday who are just doing their best to do what is right and be good people. To me, that makes all the sacrifices worth it. All the servicemen and women that give their time, energy, and lives to making this country free for us. May their service not be in vain. In the world we live in, it can be hard to just be good, but what better way to show our gratitude for what we have than by doing just that. Of course there is more we can do, but what a good place to start.

I know I am proud to be an American. And I am proud of those who have given up so much. Have a good day, and remember what you have and who made that possible.



6/29/08

Keep Moving. The End Is Near

I am not really sure where to begin. I just decided to sit down and start typing. I am sure there are other topics of writing I should be typing up for your viewing pleasure right now, yet I feel impressed to share my thoughts.

I know God lives, and that He loves us.

I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the one true church on the earth today.

I know we are led by a true and living prophet, Thomas S. Monson.

I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet and that he did see God the Father and His son, Jesus Christ when he knelt in prayer in that sacred grove of trees in New York state.

I know Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon through the power of God. I know the Book of Mormon is a true book, and in it we can find eternal happiness. I know we can learn for ourselves that it is true, and that knowledge can truly make us happy.

I know my Savior lives and loves me. I know I am a child of God, and that in a time before this earth, I lived with Him, along with every other person on this earth. I know we were sent to this earth for a purpose, to experience mortality, and to learn. In that, we may be prepared to live with God again.

I know that families can be together forever, through the sealing power of the priesthood. I know that with it, after this life, we will have the opportunity to see our loved ones once again and to be with them forever.

I know that one day, when this life is through, I will be resurrected. This life is so small in the eternal timeline of our Father's plan. That one day, all the mental anguish, all the pain and suffering, all the physical imperfections and frailties which I carry, will be lifted, and I will be perfected in and through Him, Jesus Christ.

Have you ever thought about what you will do first? In the day you are resurrected? I think about it everyday, in fact, I have a list that has been growing since I was about 13. Some of the things on that list include:
  • Climb a tree
  • Play a game of basketball
  • Swing Dance

There is nothing wrong with having something to look forward to. What better way to get through life?

I am glad I have the knowledge that I do. That I know who I am, and where I am going. And I am working on getting there, a little bit at a time. Though I may not be perfect, and may be literally crawling along some days, at least I am moving. The end is near.

Now, that's the spirit! Don'tcha think? :)

6/12/08

Heaven's Warrior


This poem has been a long time coming, stuck somewhere in the vast subconscious of my mind for some time now. Out of no where, it decided to free itself. :)



Heaven’s Warrior
To my sweet baby
Whom I love so dear
If I could only tell you
How I long to hold you near
You are my little angel
Sent down from heaven above
The sparkle in your eyes
Show of our Father’s love
I now give you to your parents
To have you as their own
They will lead and guide you
Back to your heavenly home
Wherever you may go
And whatever you may do
May you always know
How much that I love you
As you go on in life’s journey
No matter how short or far
Baby boy, I ask you please
Remember who you are
You are heaven’s warrior
Sent from heaven down to earth
You have changed the hearts of many
Because of your noble birth
Remember who you are
6/12/08

6/2/08

Better Than Okay!

I am so glad the nice weather is finally here! The girls and I have been outside A LOT recently. We all have crazy farmer tans, I am not kidding. Besides a couple little spells of sickness, this first week of summer has been great. We have enjoyed spending time with friends and neighbors. There really isn't anything new going on, other than the nice weather.






I have started walking again. It is so nice to be active. I have walked atleast a block 4 times in the past week and a half. I actually just got back from walking just now. The girls are over at Sidney's playing and I decided to make good use of my time. When I came back into the parking lot, a few neighbors were outside and were cheering me on. We have such great neighbors, I feel so blessed to be in this place at this time. They are great.



On Wednesday, Sam and I went out to the movies together while Laci stayed back and played with a neighbor (Thanks Amy!) She had a great time. We saw the new Chronicles of Narnia. I was worried at first that it would be too intense, since I hadn't seen it, and I was worried it would be too much for Sam, but she loved it! She was cheering on the good guys the whole time! When it first started, she said, "I like the first one better mommy!" About 10 minutes later she turned to me and said, "Nevermind I like 1 and 2 the best!" It was a lot of fun!



I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life everyday. I have grown so much from each one of my friends and family. I know the Lord has put people in our lives at certain times, for certain purposes we may not even comprehend completely. I feel so spoiled to have so many wonderful people to talk to and learn from everyday. I have always been a people person. I enjoy getting to know people, but lately, I have just felt so overcome with love for the people who have come into my life.



I know I talk about the adoption a lot, but I feel so blessed to be a part of this experience! I have truly enjoyed watching Tyler grow and experiencing through letters the joy that his parents are experiencing! I remember, before signing the papers, wondering if I would have the courage to do it. I did not think I was strong enough. I remember the thing that kept me grounded was who I was blessing by the sacrifice I was making. I could not bare the thought of taking Tyler away from Braden and Jen. In the end, it was my love for them (and Tyler) that made all the difference!








I cannot believe in a few days, Tyler will be 3 months old! That is just amazing to me! The Lord really did know what He was doing. Even though I thought He was crazy when He answered my prayers with, "I will be there, Melody, and all will be okay," I had no idea it would turn out this good! He has never left my side, and the Lord was right, all is okay. In fact, it is better than okay!

5/22/08

I Found the Way

I wrote this poem about 10 years ago. I cannot believe it has been that long! I was fifteen years old. To this day I still remember the night I wrote it. My mom and I were home, and it was shortly after my parents divorced. I sat down at the kitchen table and just started writing. When I was finished, I took it into my mom to show her. She was on the phone, and started crying. Oops! :) I later published it in the district poetry book my senior year of high school.

Throughout my adult years there have been times when I longed to be this faithful. This poem has truly been a compass for me, helping me always know where I wanted to be. When I wasn't there, I was able to recognize it. With everything I have been through this year, I truly feel like my faith has been strengthened. I feel like I am this person now, moreso than ever before.

I Found the Way

There I was
In my home above
With my loving Father
As pure as a dove

He was sending me off
Into the world to learn
He said, "You are my daughter,
May you know which way to turn"

I was born
On a sunny afternoon
I came into this world
A little too soon

In the fall
A September month
I came to a family
Ready to love

They told me as I grew
There are things I'd never do
I'd never walk or ride a bike,
I'd never tie my shoe

As I got older
I proved them wrong,
Because I grew
So spiritually strong

I learned of my Father up above
And His endless love,
I learned He held me in His arms
And they protect me from all harm

He could move a mountain
And even calm the sea,
He created the world I live in
He created You and Me

In this life
We all have things to do,
He'll be right here coaching
Helping us get through

I may not be able to ride a bike
Or maybe even run,
But there is a special path I hike
That leads me to the One

With my Father here to guide me
And faith that I'll return,
He has made the promise
I am never on my own

With my faith, will I come to Him someday?
Being His daughter can I say,
My Father, I love you,
I found my way!"
Melody Boast 1998

5/15/08

He Sends Me Angels


I can't believe it has been one year since I married Ben, and nine months since he walked out. Though, this year has not been anything like I expected, I feel so blessed and grateful to be where I am today.

I remember being in the temple one year ago, getting ready to be sealed, and having the overwelming feeling that my family (on both sides of the veil) was watching over me, and very aware of what was happening in my life. That experience has been one of those things that has gotten me through this year. I know I have never been alone, and I know I never will be.

This year has been hard, I will not deny that. Carrying a baby for nine months and taking care of two energetic girls and myself on my own(with the help of the Lord) has not been easy. Making the decision to place my little boy for adoption, and following through with that decision is the hardest thing I have ever (and hopefully will ever) face. But, I have been blessed with good people in my life, a new start in a new town, a friendly and loving ward, good friends, family and neighbors. I wouldn't change it for the world.

I have had many people say to me "I don't know how you do it, Melody. I take care of my kids by myself for one night and I go crazy, you do it every day." The truth is, I have never really felt alone. I know it is not me getting myself through each day but it's the faith and knowledge that I will be carried through. There are some nights when I lay my head to my pillow and think to myself, "how did I get through today?" There is only one answer to that question.

He sends me angels.

5/11/08

Mother's Day

This day has never meant so much to me before. The past few months have been an eye opening experience regarding the sacred splendor of motherhood. I enjoy my girls. They are so sweet. I cannot help but think of Tyler. I can't help but picture him at church with his family today, and the pride that fill Jen's heart to know she IS a mother now. I gave that to her. Though I miss him, it is a bittersweet day.
I can't help but think of the precious moments I had with him on that last night in the hospital. It was 3 am, and all there was, was him and I. The rest of the world was locked outside. For a moment, time stopped. He was mine, and only mine. But his father in heaven had a plan for him. Father in heaven had a plan for me. Though I do not know what lies ahead, I do know that in those moments, I got a glimpse of eternity. I will forever be grateful for those moments.

I will forever be grateful for Tyler, and for his parents who are now raising him with such powerful love and devotion.

I will forever be grateful for my beautiful daughters. And for the gift of a mother's love which I possess. I am glad to share that gift with Jen, and she is now enjoying it on this beautiful day.

5/9/08

For Samatha and Laci

Daughter


If only you could understand
The things you could not see
Like a window to my soul
View the deeper part of me
I may not be perfect
I struggle inside
There are so many things
That break down my pride
I wish I was kinder
A gentler friend
A shoulder to cry on
With a heart to lend
I want to show you
How much I care
It is my hope
You know I am always there
I want to be the mother
I always dreamed I would be
Helping you reach for your goals
So many things I want you to believe
Believe in yourself
And who you are
Believe that you are heaven’s
Bright shining star
Believe that with God’s
Power on high
You can spread your wings
And conquer the sky
You are a Daughter
With nature divine
Each day remember
You are not mine
You belong to a Father
With a love so true
He wants in every way
What is best for you
He will guide you and love you
And take you by the hand
He will lead you onward
If you put your trust in Him
My daughter, I love you
I want you to know
Though I may not show it
You have a glow
You are a special spirit
Sent from Father above
I thank him every day
For your precious love
Hold on to the person
Deep down in your soul
Let’s walk the road together
To our Heavenly home.

May 9, 2008



5/5/08

Sam's Un-Birthday (I need your help)!


On the 13th of May I have planned on having Samantha's un-birthday party at school. I will be making a poster board of pictures of her, and she gets to bring in show and tell, and treats. One of the things I would like to do is make a list of special things about her. That is where you come in. Those of you that know her (or of her works too), if you could help me come up with little things about Samantha that make her special. Then I can take them down and share them with her class. I think it would be really good for her, to help with her confidence, and really good for her class mates to learn a little bit about her.

Just an idea! hopefully it will work! Thanks you guys! Happy Cinco De Mayo. :D

4/25/08

Funny Story

Before I forget.....

The girls are home from school today "resting" because they are both congested. I came into the office early this morning to do a few things on the computer with my ITunes and the girls are watching PBS. A few minutes later, Laci comes running into me. She yells, "Hey Guys! Breakfast!"

I go out to the kitchen and discover Laci's surprise. She had gotten out the cocoa puffs, milk, and paper bowls. She was in the process of getting out the spoons. She had poured cereal into all 3 bowls AND soy milk(bleh) in each one too! My 3 year old made breakfast this morning!! Then she handed Sam and I each our spoons and sat down and ate.

It really was the cutest thing ever. I am impressed she didn't make a big mess. We will need to work on the soy milk in mommy's bowl for next time.

I have fantastic kids!

4/23/08

Do you Wanna Dance???

I love having girls :)

4/22/08

Spring Slideshow

These are from the last few weeks. I am sure I will add more as time goes on.

Gotta love the gorgeous weather. The girls play outside pretty much everyday now!


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4/10/08

Recovery Update

Apparently, it has been too long since I last updated my blog. Things are going well in our little home.

Last week I went down to the Institute and started taking the last 4 weeks of the Book of Mormon class. I have really enjoyed being back in that environment again. Plus, it gets me out of the house twice a week for an hour. I have been trying to figure out what I want to do next with my life. The librarian at Samantha's school found out I enjoy libraries and has offered to have me come over and volunteer anytime. Maybe I can do that next year when both the girls are in school til two. I could do it now, but I have institute Monday and Wednesday, and Physical Therapy on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

It has been VERY frustrating that I have not been able to walk without pain yet. In fact, I completely forget I can't walk, until I go to do something and I think, "Oh. Ow." That may be confusing, but I just have a very hard time moving my muscles when in any pain. My legs are very tense. I only have 3 more visits of the physical therapy left. Today was the first day I got up on my crutches instead of the walker. After walking for about a minute or two, the pain in my abdomonal muscles magically went away! I am able to move so much better on my crutches than the walker. It finally stimulated the right muscles! The therapist has also given me a theraband so I can do exercises when he isn't here. There seems to finally be some light at the end of the tunnel!

The girls are doing well. FINALLY healthy! They have gone a few weeks without being sick! YAY! Laci is on spring break this week, and though I have enjoyed her being home and not having to wake up as early(15 minutes), I am ready for her to go back to school. I had a meeting with her teachers on Tuesday. Laci has a hidden hobby I didn't know about. Apparently when they do play time at school, they can move to table to table and do what they want to do. Laci spends almost the entire time doing the puzzles! Who knew, puzzles! They believe she is a visual learner because of that and a few other things.

For those of you wondering. Tyler is doing really well. I received some pictures this weekend and he has a double chin and a big wide gut! Jen is still floating on air, and she is probably the cutest new mom I have ever seen! (Though that may be biased)

That is all I can think of. I hope everyone has a good week.

Here is a picture of Laci blow drying her own hair after bathtime. She now insists on doing it herself!

3/27/08

The Meaning of Pure Joy

Just a quick thing I want to share...

A few minutes ago, I did something that perhaps I should not have done. (I am getting ready to go out, so crying isn't a good idea) I opened up pictures from the hospital from right after Tyler was born. This is my first time seeing these specific moments, as I was still in the OR. I watched a video of when the nurse first brought the baby in to show the family. I was handling it just fine, until the moment she placed him in Jen's arms for the first time. I started bawling. heh. The look on Jen's face just melts my heart. I can't even imagine the feeling that was lifted from her shoulders in that moment to hold her beautiful son that she has longed for and wanted for so long.



Until now, I have only seen glimpses of this side of the adoption process through Cass and Mark and their desire to have children. I am extremely grateful to Heavenly Father to have the opportunity and blessing of being a part of this tender mercy for Braden and Jen in bringing this child into the world.

3/16/08

My Faith Reaffirmed (Really long honest entry)

I am not going to lie. This week has probably been the hardest and LONGEST week of my entire life. It has been eight days since I left the hospital and me and my baby boy Tyler went our separate ways. It has been an emotional roller coaster since that moment I said goodbye. There is no other words to describe it. One second I would be perfectly doing okay, focused on something, only in the next to be completely in tears sobbing until I couldn't anymore. Everyone kept telling me, "This is only the first week, give yourself time to grieve." Heh.. They could tell me that all they wanted, but in those moments I really didn't believe a word they said. To me, it just didn't make sense how a mother with any heart could get over something like this.

I know I made the right decision, yet apparently, it's normal to doubt yourself when going through this.

The first night I was home at my sister's not only did I have plenty of sporadic breakdowns in the arms of my sister, and my mom, I couldn't even sleep in the room by myself. My step-sister Leslie had to sleep on the floor on an air mattress next to me, as I had fear of being alone and crying to myself all night.

The next day (Sunday) I went home to my house for the first time. First coming in, the house felt eerie, hollow, like something was missing. The last time I was there, after all, I was pregnant and still had time to bond with Tyler, thinking I wouldn't have to face the music for two more weeks. I am really glad my parents were there those first few days home. It was really good to be able to talk to my mom about the loss I was feeling and have a physical shoulder to cry on.

My sleep pattern has improved. Considering, it has been months since I have had a full night's sleep, I guess it is fair to not expect it your first night home after having a baby (even without a baby to wake you up every few hours).

I still have moments of great sadness (often), but I think it has gotten a lot better now. Now that I am able to do more independently, the girls and I are slowly getting back into normal routine. That helps me a lot. It seems that, all the change is hitting me at once. The move to Ephraim is hitting me now, realizing I really do not have many friends, the divorce (now that I just finished all the paperwork), and the adoption. It seems like all the doors of the past are closing, that Tyler was my last connection to it. t is time for me to get brave, and face whatever the Lord has in store for the future, even if I have absolutely what lies ahead.

I know there is a reason the Lord sent us to Ephraim at this time. #1 reason being Cass. I thought she and I had a special and tight bond before, boy was I wrong! She truly is my best friend and I do not know how I could make it through this experience without her. She has been there for me to cry with, to be a listening ear when I am an emotional wreck, and to give words of encouragement when I am scared, or self-doubting. I have called her at such random times of the day everyday, with such random things to be upset or need to talk about (like needing my garbage taken out at 9PM because my house stinks), and she is always there with an answer. For some reason, it is a lot easier for me to listen to my older sister than anyone else. It seems to mean more. Maybe she just seems easier to believe because I know she is coming from a perspective of this I haven't seen (being an adoptive parent herself). Maybe it is because I have spent a lot of my life just wanting to be like my sister, and for her to actually tell me I am doing good at something and she believes in me (even though she has thought that all along, I am sure), I can believe it.

Braden and Jen came for an extra visit today. Sam and Laci were sick last week when I was in the hospital, so they didn't get to see Tyler. Braden and Jen were wonderful and more than willing to come down this weekend so the girls could see him and hold their baby brother. I was a little nervous about seeing Tyler again, and having to say goodbye (again). Half the world was worried for me too, wanting to make sure I had someone here with me for emotional support. It went extremely well. It was a friendly visit. Just like I had hoped. We got some really cute pictures of the girls with Ty, and pictures of the four of us together as a family. It was really good for me to see him. More importantly to see him with his family, and see that he was taken care of. Now that he has been with them for a week, you can tell how much they already know and understand his needs. (It is amazing how fast you learn how to be a parent when thrown into it) It was good for me to see they were better with him than I was. They knew his cries, and what he wanted. I think it will make it easier for me to let go. Also, I realized today that they really do see it the same way I do. This week has been more about just missing Tyler, but missing Braden and Jen as people. In the short time we have spent together, especially in the hospital, has been an amazing bonding experience, and they have become two of my best friends, or perhaps, it feels more like brother and sister. Today was a manifest to me, that to them also, I am more than just Tyler's birth mom, but their friend, for life. I have no doubt it will stay that way. The Lord is the one who found them, not me. He couldn't have chosen any better. Of course, I do not think the Lord settles for anything less than the best.

It's not easy, it's hard, getting easier. For now, at this moment, I know everything is going to be okay.


P.S. I will post more pictures soon after I get them from everyone else. (I didn't take many with my camera)

1/13/08

Prayerful Decision



I don’t really know where to begin with this blog. There is so much that needs to be said, and a lot of feelings that need to be accurately expressed. I have decided to place my baby boy for adoption. I have been wrestling with this decision since the very beginning of this pregnancy, not really knowing what I should do. For a long time I had felt as though I had not been receiving any answers or guidance from Heavenly Father. I just knew that the option was there but wasn't sure what I was supposed to do or whether I could handle it emotionally.

Since I have begun to seriously consider placing my baby for adoption, things have just been falling into place. There have been many tiny miracles that have happened both physically and emotionally for me and my family, and now I know that the Lord has guided me throughout this process.

I was given Braden and Jen's profile and had looked at it in detail several times. One night, just before Christmas, I said yet another prayer for confirmation that adoption was the right choice. A short time later, when I looked at their profile pictures again, the spirit came over me and that's when I knew they were the family for my baby boy.

I have already spoken on the phone with them and met them in person. I feel like in just this short time that I know them and that we have the potential of being great friends. My family and I feel as if we knew them before coming to earth and this is all part of God's eternal plan. I know Braden and Jen will give this baby boy the loving home he needs and I am truly excited for them!

I love you all and I hope you will support me in this decision and that you can put everyone involved in your prayers.




1/3/08

Our Holidays

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and still enjoying the blessings of the new year.

Here is a slide show of our happenings

Laci's Birthday 12/14
Gingerbread Houses 12/22
Sam lost her first tooth 12/30
The girls made crowns 1/1
Playing in the snow 1/1